I get a lot of questions because I’m so wise and intelligent that others seek my counsel on a regular basis. Therefore, this Friday will have a two-part FAQ. Aren’t you lucky?
Why are you so snippy?
I’m not snippy. Anyone who says so is just too unintelligent to understand my writing style. Further, if you don’t like what I have to say or do, keep it to yourself. We have a plan and that plan does not include mattresses, low-fat healthy foods, vegetables, adequate room for our children, birth control, cleanliness or living without stacks of crap everywhere. You’re lucky that I share my life with you in the first place let alone sending me critical comments because I think it’s okay for my three-year old to juggle knives and sleep in a crawlspace under the floorboards.
Do you control Dan?
No, I am a perfect submissive wife and if you ask Dan he better tell you the same thing unless he wants further caloric restrictions on his diet. Dan is the head of the household so he is the one who makes the final decisions. If I don’t agree with something he says I agree to his face but then I hide his shoes and withhold the kefir soda. It works for us. This is how we like our life.
You said that part of the Bible was outdated but you also have said that all of the Bible is unerringly true. Which is it?
If you’re too dense to know which parts of the Bible to follow then I can’t help you. You must not have gone to Ed Smith’s Super Dooper Bible College like I did for my year-long certificate in Loopy Bible Theory or attended an unaccredited Bible College of the Holy Basement like Dan, where they compare the Book of Job with Family Guy. Obviously, you don’t know anything about the Bible and I’m too busy with the crockpot to educate you. Further, if you should start asking me about inaccuracies in the Bible and my beliefs I’ll simply remove myself from the conversation. This topic is closed for discussion.
Why don’t you post any more recipes on your blog?
I have posted all the recipes of all the food we eat. We have a fourteen day meal rotation and never eat anything else. We like eating the same foods over and over and over again. The only reason Dan wakes up crying in the night is because he’s so grateful for the home cooked gloodles and lacto-fermented stevia I feed him. If he asks for something that’s not on our rotation I simply go on with my plan and hope he forgets about salads, fresh green beans, rice (which I don’t like so no one gets to eat it), fresh tomatoes and a bag of Funyuns once in a while. I’ve found that the less he eats the less he remembers to ask for different food so if he gets particularly upset about not ever having a Twinkie then I simply halve his food intake and pretty soon he spends most of his time passed out on the crusty sheets and I don’t have to cook anything but gloodles and crockpot bread.
Why won’t you accept gifts from well meaning people?
It is none of your business if we want to tie our children in plastic bags and hang them from the ceiling to sleep. When I asked for help to redesign the boys’ room I just wanted some adoring fans to simply tell me to stencil cars and trucks on the wall and maybe remove half the dust bunnies (Daniel has named the rest of them so they are staying!). Since it’s our decision to allow our children to wallow in filth and sleep underneath chain saws and play with matches, it is inappropriate for supposedly well meaning people to send mattresses and fresh food to us. If you want to send something to us you must ask first as we don’t appreciate spontaneous generosity. Approved items are: additional crockpot so our present crockpot, Maurice, can have a friend; King Arthur flour with weevils for extra protein; gift certificates for Star Trek dvds; boxes of band-aids for Vulcan ears; notebooks for Dan to write in and I can put in my revolutionary magazine rack; and codes for Swagbucks. Unapproved items include: mattresses; fresh food; junk food so Dan can have a small bit of pleasure in his life; fresh bedding; a new spatula; shoes for the children; in fact, anything for our children at all; or a plane ticket for Dan and the boys to run off to my evil, materialistic mother who will shower them with love and fresh food.
I sent a very nice and respectful comment and it wasn’t posted? Why?
Because it was well-written, well-reasoned and in some miniscule way questioned what I was doing and how it isn’t right to force my children to sleep under the couch or in the kitchen cabinets. If you don’t like everything I do and say or disagree with our plan in the slightest then don’t bother to comment at all. But please click on my blog repeatedly so I can make $4000 a day and hoard all the money so that I can afford my own semi-trailer home and a crate of deodorant lemons.
That’s it for FAQ Friday. I may post on Saturday if I feel like it and if I do you’ll be the luckiest reader in the world and feel free to weep with gratitude if I do. To whet your appetite for my outstanding Saturday posts, which are usually amazing in their originality (eg. magazine rack fun, printer ink information), I will post this Saturday about how to organize your fridge by putting large things on the shelves and small things in the door. Stay tuned!!!
Love,
Emily
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You have outdone yourself again Gizmola! thank you!
ReplyDeleteAt first I thought this was really her. Great job! LOL
ReplyDeleteGizmola, you seriously, totally rock.
ReplyDeleteIf you ever need a crib mattress or a box of twinkies, let me know.
:) Lisa
Are you sure you're not becoming her Giz?
ReplyDeleteHonestly, she is like some SNL pardody of a crazy fundie.
I have to say that I can't remember ever disliking someone I didn't know but I find myself, not only concerned about her kids, but really, really, disliking her.
There are fundie women I have nothing in common with and that I pretty much disagree with how they do everything, BUT, I respect their choices. I don't respect anything about Emily. At first when Emily said "people who dislike me" I thought she was being dramatic, but turns out she is really disliked by many.
Another thing is that she is actually not Johnny come lately on the internet scene. She's been around for a long time desperately trying to come up with a get-rich-quick scheme. Anyway, she is thorougly replusive.
A question about the question that said something about Emily thinking part of the Bible is outdated. I'm assuming that came from her response about the "No Longer Quivering" blog, am I right? Or did she say it elsewhere? Because I don't think she's saying she feels parts of the Bible are outdated, but that the author of the "No Longer Quivering" blog feels that way.
ReplyDelete"I will post this Saturday about how to organize your fridge by putting large things on the shelves and small things in the door. "
ReplyDeleteI now need some Dawn so I can wipe the coffee off of my monitor... What a treat to get part 2, following the incredibly brilliant part 1.
Lisah
Can we post questions for GizEmily to answer on FAQ Fridays? Or crafty suggestions?
ReplyDeleteI have one:
I understand that in the old days, people made candles from beef tallow. With all the grease from the tube meat, why doesn't Emily try making some crockpot candles?
Wouldn't it be funny, if Emily's blog really was fake, and if Gizmola was really Emily stirring up more controversy to add hits to her blog?
ReplyDeleteSadly, not likely the case, but it would be funny if it was.
Anon 11:48am - Actually, after I wrote that I did reread her comment and realized I misread it. But, since she never answered my question in a previous conversation about whether she believes in killing adulterers, I decided to let it stand.
ReplyDeleteJulie, I only wish that Emily was fake. I would be only too happy to admit that it was all a joke and there are no children living in filth, sick on tube meat. Sorry to say but it is all too real.
Oh - I would love to do a FAQ or Emily Answers to your questions. That would be a blast. Bring 'em on!! I think she would be the funniest advice columnist ever. In a sad, scary way.
Gizmola & Anon 11:48am - she did say something was outdated once. Maybe not in those words. I want to say she said something like, "those were God's words to the people of that time...", and she dismissed whatever it was someone asked her about. Am I remembering that wrong? It might have been in the same thread where she stopped answering you Giz.
ReplyDelete~Lisa
Here it is - Emily wrote:
ReplyDeleteGina, those were laws written to the Jews. At that time in Jewish history, laws came directly from God. If you have a problem with it, that is between you and God, not you and me. I am not Jewish, and I do not live in a theocracry. The Jews of that time did.
She later said, "I meant Gizmola, not Gina." So, isn't she basically saying those laws (the ones you quoted, about stoning gays or adulturers or whatever you wrote) were outdated?
~Lisa
Lol!! So only Jews should stone adulterers?!
ReplyDeleteI love it.
Anon 2:38pm - it's okay for Jews to stone adulterers since Jews are going to burn in hell for not believing in Jesus. The Lutheran SS guard at Auchwitz is in heaven with Jesus but Elie Weisel will burn for all eternity. And honestly, Emily wasn't the craziest of those Jesus freaks talking about this that day we had the religious discussion in the comments (it was on the Haiti post). Emily was at least smart enough to shut the hell up once she had nothing to add and no way to refute arguments. But one poster, Melissa, believed that showing someone all about Jesus was more important than clean drinking water. Fucking fruitloops. I'm so glad I'm a heathen.
ReplyDeleteI'm a Christian, and it is people like Emily that make us all look like frootloops! >:(
ReplyDeleteI think I can shed some light on what poor, crazy Emmie was trying to say but was not articulating very well. Old testament = old law, covenant with God's chosen people. Jesus dying on cross = new covenant with man, new law. New covenant means people are no longer tied to an extremely legalistic system as salvation is by grace and available to everybody. What law does Emmie follow? Who the hell knows? I wonder what her Ten Commandments would be.
ReplyDeleteSo she's doing "bible a la carte" now? Just picking and choosing which parts are currently useful and which are outdated?
ReplyDeleteGood to know.
So the whole Old Testament is out? When she refers to the bible, she means the New Testament?
ReplyDeleteQuite OT but could someone please explain...
ReplyDeleteIf modern day Christians are living by the new testament as their covenant with god, why do they go back to the old testament and adopt stuff from there? How do they justify following random bits of the old?
I'd appreciate any response and would in no way object to some links thrown my way so I can better understand this practice.
Anon @ 4:01, many Christians make distinction between Levitical law and God's commandments.
ReplyDeleteEssentially, Jesus upheld and referenced the commandments often, but Levitical law was often reveled to no longer be necessary.
Thus, things like adultery are still considered a sin, but eating pork is not an issue.
That's a really stripped down explanation, but I hope that clears it up just a bit.
Anon 4:01, the idea is you study the Old Testament to understand more about God and the old law to better understand the new law and God' entire plan for man. According to most Christian theory, the old law acts as a "schoolmaster" to bring people to the new law. I don't know why they go back and grab stuff from the Old Testament. My Bible knowledge is kind of rusty these days, but I believe Paul had to address this with some congregations which contained a lot of converted Jews, who were insisting that new converts become Jews and follow the old law before they could become Christians. I think it was Corinthians or Galations, but I'll see if I can't find it. He was pretty adamant that it wasn't just unnecessary, but a sin to try to force them to adhere to old laws that no longer had any bearing on salvation. I believe these new super-fundie types who tell their followers they have to follow whatever old laws they pick and choose would be committing heresy, at least according to old-school evangelicals. I'm not a Catholic, so I can't really speak for what they feel about it. Honestly, I think they justify it by telling people that their intense study of the Bible has revealed new!!! information never thought about before. If you're just preaching the same old stuff everyone else has for centuries, how else are you going to sell seminars, books and curricula unless you build a loyal following who believes you have some unique and special insight you can't get anywhere else? Why, you're practically a prophet! Or should that be profit? Do they really believe it themselves? I have no idea.
ReplyDeleteAnon 4:01
ReplyDeleteHere is a link that may help you:
http://www.biblicalstudies.org.uk/article_law_hays.html
I will warn that I have only skimmed it, but it seems to be a good explanation. Basically when Jesus died on the cross he took away the Old Covenant and put in place a New Covenant. Now it is no longer necessary to follow the laws (such as the oft quoted do not eat pork, do not wear clothes made of two kinds of cloth, or stone adulterers, etc). But, most Christians still try (and often fail) to follow some of the laws such as love your neighbor as yourself, do not covet, do not commit adultery, etc because they are both morally right and correspond with New Testament teachings.
The explanation I always heard was that there was moral law and cultural law. Moral law=good for all people of all time and cultural law=good for just those people at that time. The problem? The Jews made no such distinction, and how do you decide which is which? Which is why I am now a heathen. :)
ReplyDeleteMy FAQ for Emily: Do you ever get tired of living under the poverty line? Living under it myself while we're finishing up school (in 3 months! Yay! No more poverty!), most of the time, I am happy frugal. But sometimes, I'm just sick of it and I want something I can't afford or want a day to relax out of town on vacation. A real vacation, not a retreat. :) I don't believe that things=happiness, but sometimes a treat is good for relaxation, and I felt that way even when I wasn't a heathern (and yes, I am from Arkansas, so I can say "heathern".) :)
I'm anon@12:59 above. I win! Emily mentioned in her comments that one of the fats she has in her home is tallow.
ReplyDeleteTallow, it's super-versatile! You can make soap from it too. Done right, it'd probably do a better job than those pricey soap nuts.
ReplyDelete