Tuesday Crafts Corner

As I stated on a previous post, this blog takes most of my creativity. Therefore, I have been unable to express my many talents in other ways. I feel this is depriving my family of wonderful gifts so today I made a point of putting some time in on working on some crafts.
Lard Sculpture

Many people work in butter as a sculpture art form. We don’t believe in butter because the cows who gave the milk may have been feed GMO baking powder at some point (but don't bother emailing me about the possible GMO feed in our GROUND BEEF THAT DOES NOT COME IN FUCKING TUBES.) Therefore, I work in lard.

Lard is very easy to work in because it’s very flexible. I find that the best thing to do is to first freeze a chunk of it (14 oz $0.06) at a time wrapped in tin foil in the approximate shape you are going to want to work with.

Today I decided to make Jesus wearing Vulcan ears to please my husband. So I froze the lard in a long, cylinder shape. When I took it out, I used a vegetable peeler to carve out the face of Jesus with wonderful ears. Since we don’t eat vegetables that we need to peel as ours are all frozen from the Dollar Tree, this was a good way to use an item that usually sits in the kitchen drawer. I even carved markings on Jesus’s robes to indicate that he’s an Enterprise lieutenant.

Paper Maiche

This is very easy to do. First, I take whatever gloodles are left over from the night before and I reheat them in the crockpot with the trimmings from the lard sculpture. Once I get it simmering, I add more flour until it’s a thick paste.

I then cut up Dan’s school papers (I’m too busy crockpotting and blogging to pay attention to what he’s doing) and dip them into gloodle lard mixture. Then, I “paste” the strips of paper on whatever I’m paper maicheing.

Yesterday I did all of the Rubbermaid cartons, three jars of lacto-fermented salsa, the front of the fridge and our headboard. Now the words of Jesus live all around us.

The best part of gloodle-lard paper maiche is that the boys can help dip the strips of paper in the hot mixture and hand them to Mommy. Sometimes they get so into it that they even eat some, which is okay because it’s all natural! I don’t worry about them ingesting a tiny bit of paper because paper is made from trees which were created by God and in our house, if God created it then it is healthy.

Homemade Hats

I read an article that explained exactly how much radiation comes off a microwave. So we are committed to getting rid of the microwave as we rarely use it and I can certainly make anything we need in Cassie (the crockpot). I’m very worried about how this radiation will affect Dan’s man berries and might cause sterility. I know Dan is worried because I caught him standing in front of it in his grey underpants muttering, “please, please, I need help to stop it all.” So for the safety of the penises and my own precious woman egg supply, we are going to get rid of the microwave.

In the meantime, in order to protect my family and because it would be a fun crafting project, I’ve made everyone tinfoil hats to wear. I used the leftover tinfoil from the lard sculpture to create little hats with antennae so that the radiation will flow from our bodies, out our heads and away from us. For Dan and me I just added holes for hairpins to keep them on. For the boys I added rubber band straps to keep them on. Thomas looks so cute in his William Shatner pajamas and his little tinfoil hat. We even made hats for Brad, Terese and Cassie as they are valuable members of our family!

The best part was this was almost free because everything was either salvaged items or reusable:

Lard Sculpture $0.06
Paper Maiche $0.08
Tinfoil Hats $0.03

Craft time with my children: Priceless

How do you keep costs down while enjoying your favorite crafts?