Miss Emily's Internet Etiquette Guide

Apparently, no one was creative enough to understand how inventive stapling dusty, crusty sheets to the wall was. Doesn’t anyone understand how frugal it is to take some old fabric, a cheese-crusted skirt or a homebirthed sheet and use it to make a hammock? Instead, I’m bombarded with comments about how messy my house looks, how ugly my project is and how I’m somehow rude because I put that bitch Lori in her place.

Therefore, I feel I must post again today to go over some simple internet and blog etiquette rules. Since this is a way for me to express some of my great and unending knowledge, it may become a regular feature on my blog. Stay tuned!

Comments

Comments have nothing to do with your opinion. If you wish to tell me how wonderful I am, how creative and original, and how you have learned so much from me, then go ahead and comment. Those are all appropriate responses. If, however, you have anything to say that is in opposition to anything I wrote or think, you need to keep it to yourself. Obviously, you are a bitter spinster bitch who has a barren womb because she is evil. Or, you spend all your time on sites that tear me down and spread evil lies about me. In that case, I’m perfectly within my rights to tell you how horrible you are and cast aspersions on your character. I have added examples of good and bad comments since most of you are obviously too dense to know the difference.

Good: “Emily, you are such an inspiration and a blessing! I have learned so much about homekeeping and the domestic arts. I am 79 years old, a farmer’s wife who has grown her own food her whole life. I have three healthy, strapping sons who grew up eating fresh veggies from our garden, our own slaughtered beef and with their own rooms in our fine farmhouse. Until I read your blog I thought I was a good wife and mother. Now I know how I failed my family by not lacto-fermenting everything and by using doors instead of fabric stapled to the doorway. You are so terrific, knowledgable, gracious, amazing, perfect and inventive. You are my hero. I have built a shrine out of Rubbermaid totes, complete with a Cabbage Patch Kid covered in mildew (we hung her from the bathroom for a month) to represent you. You are a godsend, an angel on earth and I only wish you had been around when I was raising my sons to learn from your genius. In Jesus’ name, I worship you.”

As you can see, this commenter recognized the ministry to which I’ve been called through my blog. It is God’s will that I share my story, my life and my brilliance with others. Only from my example will we learn how to be exemplary mothers, wives and children of God.

Bad: “Emily, do you really think it’s a good idea for the boys to sleep next to a half-empty gasoline container? That seems kind of dangerous.”

Can you see how she is tormenting me? Trying to destroy me? Can’t you see the judgment and the evil in her comments? She completely ignores the sentence in my post where I state that the gas container is made of biodegradable substances and that it is right near the heating vent so the fumes are being disippated throughout the apartment. Does she really think that I hadn’t researched the feasibility and the safety of leaving containers of highly flammable liquids near my children? This woman obviously only reads Free Jinger and Under1000BrainCells and is now in cahoots with those goddamn bitches who are set on ruining my life by insisting that my children need real beds, fresh fruit and vegetables and, seriously – oatmeal! They think it’s okay to eat oatmeal and I’m supposed to listen to them? Any comment such as the one above will be deleted immediately. I may let a few through but only so I can point out their stupidity and their lack of character.

Forums

I do not believe in forums. I think any site dedicated to talking about blogs, tv shows, world events, celebrities or philosophy are breeding grounds for people of low self-esteem and no morals. The only reason anyone would go on a forum is to tear someone else down. I don’t believe that they want to discuss, share ideas, understand or just make each other laugh. There is only evil intent in any forum. Of course, I comment on frugal forums, but that’s only to drive traffic to my blog so I can make $5000 a month in blog earnings and then use that money to buy a collection of Port-A-Potties which I will weld together to build a sustainable home for my family. I know there is a forum (which shall not be named) that is dedicated to ruining my life. They take what I say and twist it, making people believe that I don’t believe in doctors for my children, that my husband is starving and that I am an ungracious lady. I’d write more about this but Daniel has been sleeping the last two weeks and I need to turn him over so he doesn’t get bedsores. No, we’re not taking him to the doctor. He’ll wake up someday. And Dna has fallen over again from hunger so I have to give him some nourishing kefir water. As for those at the FJ forums, fuck you! See, I’m a lady!

Plagiarism

Plagiarism is very serious. It is when someone takes your amazing ideas and incredibly inventive writing and posts it as if they wrote it. That is wrong, illegal and moral bankrupt. I have been the innocent victim of plagiarism. I have contacted the FBI to fight this crime. I have left forty-seven messages for them. I’ve sent three hundred and eighty-seven emails to the FBI. I’m sure they are too busy investigating my injustice to respond. The one time I got someone on the phone, they laughed. They knew it was crazy that anyone could pass off my original ideas of a magazine rack, egg-cracking family time, or gloodle recipe as their own. I am famous as an innovator and I will not take this theft of my intellectual property lying down. I will make sure they are stopped. I will not name the blog that is stealing my life’s work, but let me say that they are also a bunch of evil bitches who are just jealous because I’m married to a brilliant man, have three wonderful children and live in a completely original home.

Cyber-bullying

This is probably the most important part of what I have to say. I am the victim of cyber-bullying. People write mean things about me in a forum, on a blog and send me comments. I have even been stalked by someone who sent me a mattress, therefore invading my privacy, which, of course, I had already given up by posting my personal information all over the internet. Cyber-bullying is wrong. For those who haven’t lived with this horror, cyber-bullying is when people disagree with you, tell you so and make fun of you. Can you imagine living in such a hell? It is not fun and it will not be tolerated. I will take the appropriate legal steps with the help of my premier internet lawyer to stop these travesties. If people will not be good enough to support me, love me and build my fragile self-esteem by being unfailingly positive and fawning then I will take steps to ensure that happens. I will not just stop blogging about rice maggots and floor-cheese. They cannot break my will. If I haven’t given in to Dna begging for new teeth and something other than tube meat I will not give in to those who seek to destroy me.

I hope I have cleared up some glaring problems I’ve noticed. I expect that not only will you be amazed, surprised and educated by what I’ve written but you will also seek to join me in my fight against the hordes of people who are too stupid to recognize my genius. I can be reached at Emily@frugalfruitloop.com. You can also comment here about how wonderful I am. If you do not, I will delete your comment and put your name on my list. You do not want to be on my list. Dna was on my list once and I put his dvds in Cassie the Crockpot and threatened to melt them. You do not want to be on my list.