So far I've blogged about our bathroom habits (d-mn Clown House crap food), my desire to use a used Dixie Cup from the Walmart bathroom for my monthly flow, my use of lemon as deordorant, giving birth on the crusty sheets and, of course, my unnatural relationship with my crockpot. Today I purpose to discuss something important to each woman: yeast infections.
Yeast infections happen because the Lord has deemed my lady parts too hot to handle and with the kefir fumes, lacto-fermenting salsa coursing through my system, the general humidity in our home from the dripping Wonderwashed clothes and the weird green stuff growing on Brad my life is filled with mold spores. But this is how I planned it!
Doctors will tell you to use Monistat 7 but we believe doctors are in league with Eli Lilly and only want to make money. I have gone to Private Nourishing Organic Traditions to research natural ways to combat an itchy va-jay-jay. Plus, we believe in being frugal and spending $8.00 on a tube of cream is not in our budget.
I was happy to find out that kitty litter can do the trick. It soaks up moisture and is a cheap alternative. Plus, many of them come scented so it's like deordorant. Of course, I want to stay all natural so I planned on using unscented kitty litter. But when I went to the Dollar Store I found out that the price per pound was $2.00, which is outside of my $1.00 per pound rule. Since kitty litter is basically like a sand and gravel mixture. So I took the children to the playground and while I was there I scooped up some sand from the sandbox.
It's very simple to use sand as a yeast infection cure. I simply took a pair of Dan's old tidy whities and sewed a little liner using used floor cheese straining cloth. Yes, I boiled it first in the crockpot. There's no reason to believe I used whey encrusted cloth. Then I filled the little pocket with sand and voila I had something to soak up the moisture and remove it from my body without using chemicals. The best thing was that it was totally free. I used a cup I found in the playground trash to carry my sand.
I think this is a great, frugal way to combat yeast infections. I've also decided to use playground sand to soak up the urine on Daniel's mattress, to make a crunchy coating on crockpot chicken, and to use in my soap nut liquid cleaner as an abrasive.
How do you save money during yeast infections?
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Emily, I think you are being willfully ignorant by using sand and wasting your valuable yeast. Instant yeast is an unnecessary addition to your shopping list when you can produce and use your own. My family has a plan for our future and that means not spending money on things that I am capable of producing from my vagina. Vaginas are perfectly clean, why, my children came from there...it's natural. And all natural is a priority for my family as it should should be for yours. I wouldn't dream of wasting the bounty of my body. I honour my husband by allowing him dominion over me and I further honour him by serving him hot yeast rolls that started in my crusty knickers. If you would only ignore the discomfort you could could feed your family nutritious bread without the chemicals you find at the store.
ReplyDeleteBe responsible and implement this new policy in your household. It's a simple matter of fashioning yourself a pair of waterproof underwear. Perhaps you have an old mattress you could safely repurpose? Mattresses are the great health concern of the century so I am filled with joy to know they can become a bread bowl for my underwear! Simply add sugar to the yeast you deposit in the underpants and then harvest the beginning of your bread, add flour then crock pot bake!
If you waste your yeast and foul it with sand, you are not thinking of your family's financial future and may end up living in a comfortable and safe home. My children love to eat bread produced by my vagina's yeast because it feels like home to them, since that's where they came from! It's so cute!
OK, I should really go to bed...but this is the funniest freaking site ever.
ReplyDeleteAnd what the heck is a gloodle?!?! Is that glue-noodle?
Thanks for the entertainment!!
you know I was having a pretty crappy night until I read this, now I'm laughing so hard I have tears streaming down my face... Thank you so much I needed the pick me up
ReplyDeleteMichele
Anon 3:41pm - LOL - too funny!
ReplyDeleteDisgusting yet hilarious! LOL
ReplyDeleteDevon, gloodles IS for glue-noodle. She makes pasta by combing water and flour. No eggs. Which may technically make a noodle, but probably has the taste of kindergarten paste. Plus, I don't think she uses semolina flour, which is what's used in most water/flour pasta.
ReplyDeleteHOLY CRAP...you guys are so freakin funny! this blog is way better than the inspiration for it..KUDOS!!
ReplyDeleteHilarious :)
ReplyDeleteI originally posted Emily's blog on TheNest.com when it was first started and just kind of weird. Within weeks, it spun out of control and the ideas just get more and more strange.
I love this site!! You guys are a riot!
ReplyDelete