Emily's Diary

There's always speculation about how I spend my day. I spend a LOT of time with my children. We have a very structured schedule. This is how we like our life!

6:00am - climb over Dan, Daniel, Bobby and Thomas to write my blog entry. Oops, I think I rolled over one of the boys' toys. Oh, good, it's just our pet rat, Terrance, eating the crumbs off the sleeping bag.


6:30am - delete readers' comments about how I need to vaccum or mop. Don't they know that it's more nourishing to simply let the boys pick up the dust on their socks? Plus, it gives the boys excercise. Delete. Delete. Delete.

7:00am - Personal Hygiene - first, cut lemons. Second, rub 1/4" lemon slice under arms. Brush teeth with lacto-fermented baking soda.

7:30am - write Dan's blog entry. Today's title: "How Captain Kirk proves that Jesus was real"

8:00am - wake up the boys and feed them breakfast. They just love bowls of mommy's salvaged tomatoes ketchup

8:30am - wake up Dan. Help him dress. Teach him - again! - how to tie his shoes

9:00am - help Dan on the bus for work

9:30am - write Dan's term paper: "Santa Spelled Differently is Satan." Remember to throw in some random misspelled words so professors think he wrote it

10:00am - laundry. Fill Wonderwash with tap water. Add three soap nuts. Crank for two minutes. Voila. Clean clothes and diapers

10:30am - moderate comments. So what if we think it's okay to let the boys play with plastic bags. They're just being Vulcans. Delete. Delete. Delete.

11:00am - Count Swagbucks

11:30am - Feed Therese

12:00pm - Lacto-ferment salsa, flour, eggs, orange peel found under couch, gumballs found in bottom of purse, apples, and lettuce

3:00pm - refill the boys' ketchup bowl for lunch.

3:30pm - redeem Swagbucks for Pastoring for Dummies. Dan will look so grateful!

4:00pm - start dinner. Tonight will be fried tube meat patties (3 patties at 0.35 ea./0.05 for the stove), homemade water & flour pasta noodles (2 oz for 0.02), layered with my homemade yogurt (1 oz for 0.14), lacto-fermented salsa (1/2 oz at 0.10) in the crockpot (0.15). There should be enough for Dan, me, three boys with enough leftovers for Dan for two weeks. I saved money by using the Wonderwash water (soap nuts are organic, quit questioning me!!!!) - savings of 0.0065.

5:00pm - meet Dan at bus downstairs so he doesn't get lost finding the apartment we've been in for two years

5:30pm - eat dinner. Boys were extra good today so they got an extra bowl of ketchup as dessert

6:00pm - Dan Twitters. (you know, I'm a good submissive wife and I think Dan is brilliant. But...and don't tell anyone I said this...but my f'ing God why does it take him so freakin' long to type out "work today?" And when I check it later it actually reads "wrch tadey" Is he just downright retarded? Jesus H Christ, it's getting a little boring trying to figure out how to feed five people on three ounces of spaghetti squash because Einstein over there got sent home early because he was caught sneaking Twinkies from the dumpster out back. I'm trying to raise three children in a freaking shoebox while lacto-fermenting any freaking thing that will stand still and he's over there with his meth mouth sounding out the words along with Barney on tv. I don't know how much of this I can take. If it weren't for the fact that I'm on a roll making $400 a day with my blog I'd scoop up the kids and high tail it back to Mom's where I would have clean clothes, really clean clothes from a real washing machine, grainfed beef and a mug of hot chocolate.)

6:30pm - secretly read Free Jinger and wish they'd come find me and rescue me

7:00pm - Bible Time with Daddy. I read the Bible and Daddy tells us how to interpret it. He keeps confusing Spock and Jesus. Again.

8:00pm - pull out the used band-aids to make the Spock ears on the children. Dress up in our Star Trek garb. Darn it. I'm going to get pregnant again. Every time I dress up like this Dan wants a little fun in another dimension. Maybe I can slip him an Altoid I got while Mystery Shopping. The teeth are getting to me.

8:15pm - Good, that's over.

9:00pm - everyone piles into bed. Darn it. I rolled over on the baby again. Daniel is talking in a Valley Girl accent. I might have to take him to the doctor's. He might have a genetic disorder.

9:30pm - Mommy cleans the house really quickly. She throws everything in the middle of the room and throws a sheet over it. It's our space saving idea to live simply.

10:00pm - moderates comments. Delete. Delete. Delete.

11:00pm - Sleep. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and I'll find out this is a dream. Look over at Dan mouth breathing and resist the urge to punch him.



Good night.