Interview with a Virtuous Woman

Mrs. John H is the epitome of a Godly woman, a true lady of virtue. Under1000BrainCells was fortunate to obtain a private interview with her, in order to explore how a real lady spends her days and how she feels about many of the hot button issues with the Quiverfull movement.
Her house is well appointed and filled with crocheted doilies and fresh flowers. She ushers me in and we sit in the pristine living room.

Under1000: Thank you for inviting me into your home and discussing some of the most important issues we often explore on Under1000BrainCells.

Mrs. John H: Not at all. I’m happy to be the face of the Quiverfull movement. (laughs) May I offer you some tea? (she pours tea into fragile teacups with a delicate flowered design)

Under1000: First of all, how many children do you have?

Mrs. John H: Fourteen.

Under1000: Wow. That must make for a busy household.

Mrs. John H: Yes, but with our Managers of the Home scheduling we are able to make it work. Each child has a Chore Pack that outlines their responsibilities.

Under1000: Could you outline the responsibilies?

Mrs. John H: Of course. Ruth is responsible for the meals. Emily is in charge of homeschooling. Eve is in charge of laundry. Elizabeth is in charge of the babies. Emma is in charge of cleaning and changing the beds. Anna is in charge of maintaining the cars. Jennifer is in charge of the finances.

Under1000: Wow. That seems like a lot for the girls. What do the boys do?

Mrs. John H: (laughs gently) They are a handful. They are rough and tumble boys so they are usually running around and being, well, little boys. Could you excuse me a moment? (returning with a full cup of tea which she down quickly) Where was I?

Under1000: You were outlining the girls’ responsibilities? May I ask what you usually do in a day?

Mrs. John H: I supervise, of course, guiding the girls in learning the domestic arts. I am also nursing our youngest, Gabriel. That is a full time job! (laughs again. She excuses herself, comes back with another cup of tea and downs it. There is an aroma I can’t put my finger on.)

Under1000: Do you homeschool?

Mrs. John H: (a little slurred) Oh, yes. We don’t believe in public schools where they would indoctrinate our children to become homosexuals, hate Isreal and engage in orgies.

Under1000: I don’t think those things are very prevalent in the public school system.

Mrs. John H: Oh, yes, they are. We seek to shield our children from the world. (I notice she has a small Mason jar with her. She chugs from it and her eyes are a little glassy)

Under1000: Okay, well, let’s move on. I notice that all the girls wear dresses and rather conservatively. Can you explain your approach to fashion?

Mrs. John H: We believe in modesty. In beautiful womanhood. Our girls wear (hiccup) dresses that highlight their countenance. Would you like some more tea?

Under1000: No, thank you. May I ask what’s in the Mason jar?

Mrs. John H: Just a little pick me up. It’s tiring running after fifteen children.

Under1000: I thought you had fourteen children.

Mrs. John H: Do I?

Under1000: That’s what you said earlier.

Mrs. John H: (looking confused) Oh. Maybe it is fourteen. Well, in any case it’s a lot. They’re all blessings. (under her breath) Bloodsucking blessings. I still can’t feel my nipples.

Under1000: Excuse me?

Mrs. John H: Do you have any idea how hard it is on a woman to breastfeed sixteen children?

Under1000: Um, no. Did you say sixteen?

Mrs. John H: Whatever. (hiccup. Big swig from Mason jar) What else?

Under1000: Okay, let me ask you: what do you feel is your most important duty as a woman?

Mrs. John H: To bear blessings for the Lord. To serve my husband and to glorify the Lord. And…

Under1000: And?

Mrs. John H: What?

Under1000: You didn’t finish your sentence.

Mrs. John H: Oh. Um. (hiccup) I wonder where the kids are?

Under1000: I did wonder. It seems awfully quiet here.

Mrs. John H: (to herself) I got up, fed the baby, ate breakfast, we went to the store…oh, shit!

Under1000: What?

Mrs. John H: I think they’re at Aldi’s. Oh, fuck!

Under1000: Shopping?

Mrs. John H: I forgot them.

Under1000: You forgot them at the grocery store?

Mrs. John H: (silent for a moment. She takes a big swig from her jar, hiccups and then waves her hand dismissively) Oh, well, they’ll make their way home. They usually do. Though it is nice to have some peace and quiet around here. Goddamn, those kids get loud. Always asking for shit and running around and having to homeschool them and keep track of them.

Under1000: I heard that your oldest is courting. Can you tell us about courtship?

Mrs. John H: Well, we had inquiries from a young man about Ruth. My husband talked to him, studied the Bible with him and…well, whatever. You know.

Under1000: Know what?

Mrs. John H: What does it matter? Pretty soon she’ll just be stuck with fourteen fucking blessings, tired to the bone and with a womb so stretched out that she looks perpetually pregnant. What are you going to do?

Under1000: Does she subscribe to the Quiverfull movement?

Mrs. John H: I guess so. I don’t get much time to talk to her. She’s awfully busy, you know.

Under1000: What…(interrupted by Mrs. John H)

Mrs. John H: You want to hear something? (leans forward)

Under1000: Okay.

Mrs. John H: You remind me of Lisa.

Under1000: Lisa?

Mrs. John H: She was my best friend growing up. Gorgeous. Long blond hair, lips like ripe raspberries, full and supple breasts and one sweet ass. (hiccups)

Under1000: Oh, um, okay. Let’s talk about purity.

Mrs. John H: Purity, shmurity. Let me tell you about church camp. You see, Lisa and I were in the same bunk and late at night she’d come over and touch me…

Under1000: I see. Yes, I get it. Um, tell me about your husband’s ministry.

Mrs. John H: (closing her eyes) I wonder what happened to Lisa. Last I heard she was moving to San Francisco. She wanted me to go but my father put his foot down. God, she smelled so good, so fresh. Not like John.

Under1000: Well, tell me about your husband. How long have you been married?

Mrs. John H: You know the story. My father brought him around, Lisa had just left and I was sick of raising my little brothers and sisters. I don’t know. He was there. Dad liked him. Why not?

Under1000: When did the two of you decide to become Quiverfull?

Mrs. John H: (finishes the Mason jar) I dunno. We just…whatever. You know, Bill Gothard said to have the babies and Jesus likes babies and stuff. Are you sleepy?

Under1000: No. So do you have any regrests?

Mrs. John H: You know, I would have loved to have had a threesome. There’s this chick at church. One fine piece of ass. And did you ever see a picture of the Botkin girls. Pretty cute. What I wouldn’t give to see them in a lace bustier and their bright nipples…

Under1000: Mrs. H., you’re actually saying some rather provocative things. You seem to have a real desire for women.

Mrs. John H: Me? Oh, no. I’m a good, submissive wife. I submit and he climbs on me and every single fucking time I get pregnant. How would you like to be pregnant most of your goddamn life?

Under1000: I don’t have any children…

Mrs. John H: My womb is fucking falling out. I’m so stretched out that you could drive a car up there.

Under1000: Maybe I should go.

Mrs. John H: Then he comes home and sits in his study with his ministry. What the fuck? I found him online looking at porn one day. I don’t care. Whatever keeps him off me is all I can say.

Under1000: I thought porn was not allowed in a fundamentalist household.

Mrs. John H: Neither is masturbation, but let me tell you something, if it weren’t for my crucifix vibrator I’d never get off, you know what I’m saying? (laughs)

Under1000: Let’s get back to how you spend your day, shall we?

Mrs. John H: (snoring)

Under1000: Mrs. H.?

Mrs. John H: (snoring)

I let myself out. It was a pleasure to talk with Mrs. John H. and learn about the hectic but rewarding life of a Godly woman of virtue. Stay tuned for more insightful interviews by your investigative team here at Under1000BrainCells.