Ask Aunt Fundie Friday

Due to popular demand, Under1000BrainCells will continue to encourage young ladies and wise women by showcasing Aunt Fundie and her Biblical advice on issues dear to our readers’ hearts. This will be a regular Friday occurrence so keep those questions coming, loyal readers!

Dear Aunt Fundie,


I am an obedient and subservient daughter, a child of God who strives to live as a lady of virtue. I love to take care of my younger brothers and sisters. I help around the house, play the harp and love nothing more than to curl up with my knitting. I look forward to guiding my own home one day and welcoming as many blessings as God sees fit to send me. But I do live with a dirty secret. Under my prairie dress I often wear pants. I can’t seem to stop. I wear leggings, khakis and even, once, a pair of jeans. I don’t know what to do to combat this rebellious spirit in me!

Signed,


Fashion Fundie

Dear FF,


First of all, I’m so grateful to God that you admit you have a problem. Now the healing can begin. The first thing you need to do is to stop right away. Burn the evil, Satan-influenced pants. As you know, the Bible says that women should not wear the garments of men. By wearing pants you are putting yourself on the same level as a man and we all know that as women we are not only the weaker vessel but put here on this earth by God’s grace to serve men. You are upsetting the natural balance of the world by encasing your legs in fabric like that. Further, if a man were to catch a glimpse of the hem of your pants from under your feminine skirts they might think of your bottom in tight fitting pants and therefore they will be defrauded and it will be your fault for leading them astray. Also, by wearing pants you are just a hop, skip and a jump away from becoming a full blown, carpet munching, granola eating, Lilith Fair attending lesbian. Then there will be no hope for you at all and you will burn in hell for all eternity. Hope this helps!

Dear Aunt Fundie,


I am a young man very interested in a young lady of impeccable virtue. Her father, however, is unsure that I am right for his daughter. We have fellowshipped a number of times and he says that I’ve impressed him with my Biblical knowledge and my commitment to the Lord. His only reservation is that his daughter doesn’t seem to like me much and he thinks it’s important that she feels called by the Lord to become the one God intended for me. I am sure she is the one for me. What can I do to convince her?


Signed,


Lovesick in Louisiana

Dear LIL,


First of all, the only opinion that matters is her father’s. If she doesn’t feel the hand of God on her heart guiding her towards you and a life of children and homemaking, then it is only her father that can move her to her true path. Too many young ladies today are laboring under the impression that their views on marriage and a partner should be considered. This is patently in opposition to the Bible. In the Bible it states that the father has authority over the young lady and only during the marriage ceremony should authority be transferred to the husband. Your role is to convince her father that you are the right one. Then he should take a firm hand to guide her to her role as your wife. I am concerned that this father may not be strong enough if he is stupid enough to consider his daughter’s opinion in the first place. Is this really the family you wish to join? Look for other clues about their commitment to the Lord: does she shave her father, type his ministry paperwork, help with the younger children, study in a prayer closet and submit to every thought, feeling, and belief of her father’s? If not, then perhaps this is not the right girl for you. Women are to be without their own minds and opinions, only those instilled by their parents and by God. I suggest you seek elsewhere for your intended. You don’t want to get stuck with a free-thinking woman who believes she has any authority over her own life.

Dear Aunt Fundie,


What are your tip for raising Godly children? My children seem to be out of control. They are willful, defiant and opinionated. My eldest daughter actually refused to get out of bed, stating that she was tired. The day before she had done nothing more than make breakfast for the fifteen children, clean the house, do the twelve loads of laundry, weed the flower beds, harvest the garden, can twenty-five jars of tomatoes, supervise homeschooling, make lunch, vacuum, make the beds, paint the living room, wash the cars, take care of the babies, make dinner and cleaned up afterwards. What can I do to impress upon her that my will matters, not hers?


Signed,


Fed Up in Phoenix

Dear FUIP,


My first question for parents of willful children is to ask how they had been trained since birth. As you may guess, we are great proponents of the Pearls and their Godly way of training up a child. I do hope that you had used either a switch, a length of plumbers piping or a heavy tree limb to swat your daughter the moment she came home from the hospital. If you did not, then there’s your problem. You have trained her to be disobedient. The fault lies upon your heart. But, do not despair as there is a way to lead her back to her true path as a child of God and a willing servant in your home. I suggest that with kind but firm words you remind her that your husband is her true authority. If that does not sway her rebel heart then I would recommend that you start beating her with a shoe. As a child grows older, it’s easier for them to turn you into the authorities. However, a shoe with a soft rubber sole will leave no marks. So even if CPS shows up on your doorstep you cannot be charged as there will be no evidence. See how beautifully God plans things? Praise to Jesus. She’ll fall in line soon enough if you are consistent. Each time she talks back, balks at her responsibilities or attempts to engage you in an argument I would beat her about the head until she is silent. You’ll be amazed at how quickly this tip and God’s will shall work on her troubled heart.