Ask Aunt Fundie

With the demise of our favorite blog we’ve decided to institute a new and exciting feature here at Under1000BrainCells – Ask Aunt Fundie. We ask a collection of demure ladies of virtue to answer all your calls for advice. We are confident that you will find much of value in what these daughters of God have to say.

Dear Aunt Fundie,


I’m a stay at home daughter of 42. I love to serve my family and reverence my father. I spend time playing the harp, reading scripture, and honing my domestic skills for when the one God intended for me finds me to bring me to his castle to be under his authority. However, neither of my parents are believers and don’t seem to understand that I need my father’s protection. Almost every day they ask when I’m going to grow up, get a job and move out. My father even orders me out of the bathroom when I attempt to shave him. In fact, last week I came home from a refreshing nature walk to find the locks changed on the house. I had to climb in the basement window to get back inside. I’ve been living in the basement without their knowledge. How can I make them understand that God wishes me to stay at home until I find a Godly marriage?


Signed,
Squatting in the Lord


Dear SITL,


Many times our parents think they know best but their heads are turned by a secular world that does not support ladies such as you in their walk with the Lord. I would take this opportunity to pray for your parents, that God might turn their hearts towards Him. In the meantime, I implore you to not leave the basement. But you can use this time in confinement to hone some of the skills that you’ll need when you do emerge and find a loving husband. Why not use old Christmas wrapping paper to paper the walls of the basement? Just because you are squatting in your parents’ home doesn’t mean you can’t still work as a daughter of God. When your parents are at work, take time to climb out the window and scrounge for food – which will help you to stay frugal. Remember that every time you climb in or out you are working your arm muscles – a must for a warrior of God. Stay strong and do not let them break your will for you are a child of God first and foremost.

Dear Aunt Fundie,


I am nineteen and am engaged to a wonderful, Godly man. We had a traditional courtship and are very excited about starting a new life and possibly a new family together. My mother has taken the time to teach me how to run a home with grace and in the glory of God. I can sew, bake, cook from scratch, decorate, do my crafts and I love to be surrounded by little ones. The only area in life in which she has not counseled me is what happens my wedding night and thereafter. I understand the mechanics of intimate relations but I am unsure as to what are accepted practices in a Godly marriage. Help!


Signed,
Hot to Trot for the Lord

Dear HTTFTL,


This is a very common concern of young ladies. Especially those who have limited knowledge of what is expected of a willing and submissive wife. Let me start by saying that once you are married you are the vessel of your husband, whether it be carrying his children in your glorious womb or submitting to his need for pleasure. Be happy that God has designed your body and his to glorify Him through coming together physically. Don’t be ashamed of expressing love and your commitment to Jesus by engaging in a variety of love acts with your husband. Some accepted practices include Dirty Sanchez, Donkey Punch, Doggie Style, the Tony Danza, Golden Shower, Cleveland Steamer and Pulling a Train. If you are unfamiliar with these terms, find a wise woman to counsel you. Just know that when you’re being doused with urine while tied up with leather and your husband is whipping you with a flounder you are expressing your love for Jesus. Praise be!

Dear Aunt Fundie,


I have been married to a wonderful man for three years. We have never used birth control as we wish as many blessings as God sees fit to send us. However, we have never conceived. Concerned, we contacted a doctor who informed us that we are infertile. I am so despondent. What do I do?


Signed,
Barren in Boise

Dear BIB,


As you know, a QF woman’s worth is only determined through the usefulness of her womb and the number of blessings she expels. Therefore, you are a complete and total failure as a woman. Without a multitude of children how do you know that your life is full and rich? Sure, you can have hobbies, friends, family and the love of a good, Godly man, but unless your womb is stretched like a pair of leggings on a fat chick you know that you are not fulfilling the only role created for you. I feel for your situation though I am abundant in children, having 118 blessings of my own. In fact, I am so blessed that my womb often falls out as I walk down the street. I scoop it up, stuff it back in (in a ladylike fashion) and feel so honored that God has tortured my ladyparts in this way. As we ATIers don’t believe in adoption as the adopted child will bring their birth parents’ sin into your home, I guess you have nothing left to live for. Good luck!

Feel free to leave question for Aunt Fundie to answer in future posts. May the good Lord be with you and may your womb flutter with delight.