An Email Exchange, AKA Team Dan By Gizmola

To: SpockRocks@walmart.com
From: EmilyKate@frugalfruitloop.com
Date: February 12, 2010

Dear Dan,

As you may have noticed lately, I've been quite busy making thousands of dollars on my blog. Between writing blog posts, commenting on other blogs, commenting on forums, fighting plagarism of my copyrighted work, updating the FBI on said plagarism, writing your blog entries, writing your school papers, keeping the crockpot going full steam (tomorrow: crockpot fishsticks - dollar store frozen fish covered in soaked grain stevia granola - yum!), keeping Daniel awake and moving so I don't have to waste time at the doctor's, catching Bobby as he falls (again!) from his too-high crib and Thomas...where did I put him? Anyway, my point is, I don't have time for long conversations anymore. Hence, I ask that should you have any requests or problems, or, if you have anything to say to me at all you need to email me. Or, you can comment on my blog posts - but of course, I moderate those heavily and sometimes I'll be unable to post your comment. There's kefir soda in the fridge, whey popsicles in the freezer and some discarded half-eaten apple core applesauce in the crockpot. Make sure you wipe the dried urine off the mattress before putting Daniel to sleep. And be in bed by 11:00pm.

Emily

To: EmilyKate@frugalfruitloop.com
From: SpockRocks@walmart.com
Date: February 16, 2010

Deer Emiy,

got yr messege. Found Tomas. Was in Rubermade. put him in crib with Booby. Can we have hambergers for dinner?

Dna

To: SpockRocks@walmart.com
From: EmilyKath@frugalfruitloop.com
Date: February 17, 2010

Dear Dan,

Per the schedule I posted on the wall (complete with pictures), FAQ will be answered on Fridays only. You know that on Tuesdays we have whey limeade, two ounces of turkey sausage and an ounce of mozzarella cheese. Please try to keep to the schedule. Further, I noticed that last night you ate two apples once you got home from work. Unfortunately, I've figured out that your little snack cost us an extra $0.08 this week. Therefore, you will need to skip breakfast on Thursday. Also, I noticed that you gave Daniel an extra piece of cheese last night during dinner. This cannot happen again. I have been very clear about our dietary budget and health concerns and too much cheese can result in constipation. This causes problems because I then must budget for extra lacto-fermented salsa to compensate and get his bowels more regular. Then, he uses extra toilet paper when he finally is able to eliminate more waste. That piece of cheese cost $0.02 for the cheese, $0.0035 for the teaspoon of salsa and $0.0068 in toilet paper. Please take care to not do that again. Also, as I am busy putting together my Touring Tuesday post of our living room I will have less time to watch "Star Trek" this week. Therefore, approved activities will be coloring with the boys (sharing one crayon), reading one of your religion books (no coloring in those!), and writing in your notebooks. Please make sure to replace the notebooks in the magazine holder when done; it took me a long time to come up with that space-saving idea and I wish for you to utilize it.

Emily

To: EmilyKate@frugalfruitloop.com
From: SpockRocks@walmart.com
Date: February 18, 2010

Emiy,

I will be laate geting home todae. I talked to a teecher at skool who is going to help me with my speling. I want to spel as good as litle dna. Can you leeve my dinner in the oven?

dna


To: SpockRocks@walmart.com
From: EmilyKate@frugalfruitloop.com
Date: February 18, 2010

Dan,

First of all, I expect you to be home by 9:00pm as I have been on hold all day with the FBI. I will not take this plagarism lying down. I must fight against internet theft of my original and amazing ideas. I actually saw another blogger with a picture of a stuffed animal hanging from the ceiling. Because of plagarism someone stole my idea about how to display Brad. This cannot continue! Further, I will not leave your dinner in the oven. First of all, every time I open the oven, which is very large and unnecessary, we lose $0.000009 worth of heat. Secondly, since apparently some people do not appreciate the wonder of a crib trundle bed I have been forced to discontinue Daniel sleeping in his beloved cave so I can avoid a visit from the Child Protective Services people. Therefore, Daniel will now be sleeping in the oven. Which is totally contained and it's not like the oven can collapse on him. Aren't I ingenious? I can't wait to share my awesome space saving idea with my faithful readers tomorrow! Also, I noticed that you only wore your socks twice this week instead of three times. Do you understand how expensive it is to make soap nut liquid? Further, extra washing means spending more time cranking the Wonderwash, which takes me away from my blogging. Please keep this in mind when dressing in the morning. There's nothing wrong with wearing socks three times; after all, we never wash our blanket and we're just fine. I appreciate your cooperation in this.

Emily


To: EmilyKate@frugalfruitloop.com
From: SpockRocks@walmart.com
February 20, 2010

Dear Emily,

I got a "B" on my paper on Exodus. I also got a new sticker because I spelled everything correctly. I left the paper on the kitchen table two days ago but you haven't said anything. Aren't you proud of me?

Love,
Dan


From: EmilyKate@frugalfruitloop.com
To: SpockRocks@walmart.com
Date: February 20, 2010

Dan,

I did see the paper. But since you have been practicing your spelling so much and used up your monthly allotted notebook I was forced to use it to log my blog earnings and Swagbucks awards. You only have yourself to blame. I would also appreciate you not leaving your papers lying around like that. It completely messes up my organized and well appointed self-cleaning house. Instead, I suggest you post to my blog about any scholastic acheivements.

Emily

P.S. I expect that sticker in my hands before nightfall or you're sleeping in the bathroom with Brad.


To: EmilyKate@frugalfruitloop.com
From: SpockRocks@walmart.com
Date: February 20, 2010

Dear Emily,

Where are my Star Trek dvds?

Love,
Dan


To: EmilyKate@frugalfruitloop.com
From: SpockRocks@walmart.
Date: February 21, 2010

Dear Emily,

Are you there?

Love, Dan

To: EmilyKate@frugalfruitloop.com
From: SpockRocks@walmart.com
Date: February 22, 2010

Dear Emily,

Why didn't you publish my comment on your blog? I just wanted to know if you wanted to have lovemaking tonight. You were so busy blogging on Valentine's Day that I thought it would be nice to have a Valentine's Day now. Did you get the rose and box of candy I brought home?

Love, Dan


To: SpockRocks@walmart.com
From: EmilyKate@frugalfruitloop.com
Date: February 23, 2010

Dan,

First of all, I did get the rose, which I promptly put in the crockpot and dehydrated and have now decorated Brad with. IF you had read my post fully you would've read that but apparently you were not paying attention. That is not my fault.

Secondly, I did see the box of candy. I am surprised you would bring me candy with SUGAR in it. I thought I made it perfectly clear that we do NOT consume SUGAR. We only consume stevia. Perhaps if you read my blog regularly (as you should if you want to know anything about me) then you would understand how bad sugar is and how the only thing I like is stevia. Further, you left the price tag on the box of candy. It cost FIVE DOLLARS. That's the equivalent of FIVE rolls of tube meat from the Dollar Tree. Why you would think being wasteful and NON-FRUGAL would be romantic is beyond me.

Therefore, I am afraid that you will not be served breakfast until March 4th to make up for that $5. If you should complain then I will push you in front of a car again.

--E

To: EmilyKate@frugalfruitloop.com
From: SpockRocks@walmart.com
Date: February 24, 2010

Dear Emily,

I won the $5.00 in an essay writing contest at school. My teacher said I had made the most improvement than any other student. I wanted to do something nice for you. You know, the way you sometimes make me soaked grain gloodle cookies after I beg you for three days and promise to only drink warm tap water and promise to rub your feet every night.

Love,
Dan

P.S. I was reading the Bible today (which is much easier now that I don't have to sound out the words) and there's something in there about a wife being submissive to her husband. I talked to our pastor and he said it was true. I think that you shouldn't tell me what to do. I think I'm supposed to tell you what to do. What do you think?

To: SpockRocks@walmart.com
From: EmilyKate@frugalfruitloop.com
Date: February 24, 2010

D,

First of all, I AM a submissive wife. And don't you dare let me hear you say otherwise ever again or I will punish you, do you understand?????!!!!! When you cry because the hunger pains keep you up I give you one of the spring onions from the coffee can garden on the windowsill. I allow you to have your own pair of shoes. I lent you one of my best sweaters last winter when it snowed five feet and you had to walk to work since I was using the car to go to the Free Store to see if I could find a smaller and more frugal mattress for Daniel. And I used to read to you from the Little Golden Book of Bible Studies before you got this big head on yourself thinking that somehow you're so great because you can now read without moving your lips and you can spell your name. You had better check yourself before you wreck yourself. I will NOT stand for this back talk. Do you understand me? I am a perfect submissive wife.

E

P.S. Due to your obstinate attitude you will be reduced to cheese-less and lacto-fermented salsa-free gloodes tonight. Period.

To: EmilyKate@frugalfruitloop.com
From: SpockRocks@walmart.com
Date: February 25, 2010


Dear Emily,

I hate your gloodles. Stick them up your crockpot!

Dan

To: SpockRocks@walmart.com
From: EmilyKate@frugalfruitloop.com
Date: February 25, 2010

WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY????

To: EmilyKate@frugalfruitloop.com
From: SpockRocks@walmart.com
Date: February 25, 2010

AND YESTERDAY I SNEAKED AN ORDER OF MCDONALD'S FRIES HOME AND SHARED THEM WITH THE BOYS AS YOU WERE TYPING YOUR FOUR MILLIONTH LETTER TO THE FBI. SUCK ON THAT!!!!

To: SpockRocks@walmart.com
From: EmilyKate@frugalfruitloop.com
Date: February 25, 2010

HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT!!! THAT'S IT!!!! NO SEX FOR TWO MONTHS!!!!! AND IF I CATCH YOU PLAYING WITH YOURSELF I'M GOING TO CUT IT OFF AND HANG IT FROM THE BATHROOM CEILING!!!!!

To: EmilyKate@frugalfruitloop.com
From: SpockRocks@walmart.com
Date: February 25, 2010

FINE BY ME. YOU SMELL LIKE DIRTY DIAPERS, SOUR LEMON AND ARMPIT SWEAT. I'D RATHER HUMP BRAD AND HE'S COVERED IN MOLD!!!

BTW, I WROTE MY OWN BLOG POST TODAY:

"WHY EMILY SUCKS BY DAN

"IT'S FOURTEEN PAGES LONG.


From: EmilyKate@frugalfruitloop.com
To: SpockRocks@walmart.com
Date: February 27, 2010

Dear Dan,

I want you to know that I have contacted the premier internet lawyer to sue you for divorce. These are my demands:

1. Full custody of the children: Daniel, Bobby, Thomas, Brad and Therese

2. Sole residency of the apartment

3. All the Star Trek dvds

4. All the Star Trek band aid Vulcan ears

5. Your signed William Shatner keepsake pillow

6. Your religion books

7. Custody of the crockpot

8. Any future Rant of Dan blog earnings

Anything further you have to say to me needs to be directed to my lawyer.

Emily Kate P---

To: EmilyKate@frugalfruitloop.com
From: SpockRocks@walmart.com
Date: March 1, 2010

Dear Future Former Mrs. P---,

I have retained my own lawyer with financial help from your mother (who is actually very kind). After reviewing your blog, the pictures posted on said blog and given the long-standing abuse to which you have inflicted me, I will consent to a divorce on the following conditions:

1. Since you make more blogging than I do at Wal-Mart, I am entitled to 50% of your blog earnings. At the advice of my lawyer, these payments from you will go into a savings account to pay for college for our children.

2. I will have sole custody of the boys and I will make the major decisions concerning their education, diet, and medical care. Your mother is going to be a co-guardian and we will live in her five story home with her.

3. I will relinquish possession of Therese and all supplies of floor cheese whey in exchange for Brad, who will be, at your expense, dry cleaned to remove all mold spores.

4. You will refrain from ever calling me, either in person or on your blog any of the following which you have done in the past: half-wit, retard, dim bulb, nitwit, or loser. I will also stop referring to you as a total wackadoodle.

5. I get the crockpot. These terms are non-negotiable. I look forward to your response.

Sincerely,

Daniel J. P---, Sr.

The Maine Monitor

Authorities have removed a woman by the name of Emily Kate P--- from a dumpster at the back of the Dollar Tree at 3:00am. An anonymous report had been made to the police concerning Ms. P---- climbing into the Dollar Tree dumpster. In the initial investigation police suspected theft. However, when they arrived on the scene they found that the woman had created a makeshift dwelling inside the dumpster.

"It was the weirdest thing," commented Sherriff Phillip Fletcher, "I think she was actually trying to live in the dumpster. She had snaked an extension cord from inside the store and she was huddled around a crockpot. I thought she was trying to keep warm until she offered me some sort of gloopy cheese product that smelled of mold."

Sherriff's deputies removed the young lady by force though she refused to let go of a bottle of cloudy water which she referred to as Therese. She was moved to the Maine General Hospital where she was to undergo treatment for hypothermia and a psychiatric evaluation.

"She seemed to believe that she was an internet celebrity making millions of dollars a day talking about lacto-fermenting and soaking grains in one's old underwear," said an unidentified hospital source, "She refused any hospital food, instead insisting on drinking what we later found out was year old kefir grains."

The woman refused to identify any family members who might be of assistance. However, the Maine Monitor has tracked down a man reported to be her ex-husband living in Boston. When approached, the heavyset man with three very healthy young boys refused all requests for a statement. Instead, he was seen taking his children to the local farmer's market and purchasing broccoli, carrots, green beans, corn, strawberries, asparagus and some very lean, fresh, grassfed beef. Reports indicate that he has written a soon to be published book entitled "In the Frugal Devil's Grip: How to Maintain a Frugal Lifestyle With Grace and Humility."

"While I cannot comment directly on a rumor," stated a representative from Doubleday, "it really is going to revolutionize the whole frugal, green lifestyle movement."

Mr. P--- is currently employed as a lay pastor at a moderate Methodist church where is he well liked for his sense of humor and his devotion to his children.