Or on Emily's real Facebook? Have they updated anything at all?
I'm really starting to get worried about that family. Emily was so unhinged at the end, and she wasn't the most balanced person to begin with. I really hope the children and Dna are okay and that she hasn't decided to limit their food even more.
She was very addicted to blogging and the adoration she got from it that I just can't see her stopping cold turkey.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Greetings!
It looks like out Dear Emily has went off the internet for awhile. Maybe Dna took away her internet? She hasn't approved any new comments on the lint and fuzz blog, there hasn't been any new posts since the "big salad" post on FH, and Dna hasn't blogged or responded to any comments on his blog.
There is a new profile pic of Dna on his facebook page though. He really needs to eat something other than a couple lettuce leaves from a coffee can and some fermented gloodles. He looks like a Bobble Head.
http://www.facebook.com/#!/ghostsb?ref=search&sid=731840212.2062868333..1
There is a new profile pic of Dna on his facebook page though. He really needs to eat something other than a couple lettuce leaves from a coffee can and some fermented gloodles. He looks like a Bobble Head.
http://www.facebook.com/#!/ghostsb?ref=search&sid=731840212.2062868333..1
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Ask Aunt Fundie Friday
Editor's Note: Since Aunt Fundie will be attending a three day revival this weekend she asked me to post this on Thursday. She hopes that all her gentle readers will have a blessed weekend while she spends her weekend in prayer, growing closer to the Lord and showing off her new headcovering. God Bless!
Dear Aunt Fundie,
My father has been approached by a young man wishing to enter into courtship with me. I have been a dutiful stay at home daughter for all of my nineteen years and I am ready to be a wife and a mother, as God has intended. I am, however, worried about this courtship as I’ve read of other Godly young ladies who have been courted, only to see it end badly. What tips can you give me for making sure he is the one God has for me?
Signed,
Eager in Edgarstown
Dear EIE,
First of all, congratulations on your possible courtship! How wonderful it is that your parents have not fallen in step with the evils of the secular world that preaches freedom and independence for young women such as yourself. I’m so glad they have steered you towards a Biblical method of finding a spouse. Most importantly, listen to what your father says about this young man. He knows better than you how God is guiding your life and your future happiness. You cannot go wrong in putting yourself under your father’s authority and proceeding forward as he sees fit. Secondly, I’d pay close attention to the behavior of this young man when in your presence. Many a Godly young man in appearance will show themselves to be nothing but a wolf in sheep’s clothing in due time. Does he try to hold your hand and therefore spoil your purity? Does he encourage you to speak your mind, thereby insinuating that he would not be a strong head of the household and your spiritual leader? Young men should be on the path of becoming Command Men who are dominant and expect their wives to wait on them hand and foot, who never yields to a wife’s complaints or thoughts, who expects their wives to be loyal, faithful and obedient. If your young man does not exhibit these tendencies to complete dominate you until you have no recognizable sense of self, then you need to pray that this courtship doesn’t proceed.
Dear Aunt Fundie,
I was not always blessed to be a card carrying fundie. I was once a daughter of the world. I smoke, drank, wore pants, spoke my mind, had pre-marital sex, defied my parents, considered myself equal to a man, had a career and was an unabashed atheist. Now that God has touched my heart and put me back on my true path as a woman who seeks only to fulfill her Biblical duty to marry and have children, be a keeper at home and a cheerful help meet, allowing her precious womb to be opened only by God’s loving hands, I find it hard to find a man who will overlook my past impurities and see me for the loving daughter of Christ I am now. How can I get them to see beyond my past to see the real me?
Signed,
Lonely in Laredo
Dear LIL,
You are spoiled goods now. No Christ loving man will want his sacred baby making tool of power near your soiled and dying lady flower. Your womb is not a place of innocent beauty but now a wreckage of dishonor. A woman’s worth is only determined by the status of their hymen. You’ll most definitely burn in hell. Have a sunshine day!
Aunt Fundie,
I am a 25 year old stay at home mom with a wealth of experience, knowledge, wisdom and intelligence. In fact, I’m something of an internet celebrity and sensation. I’m withholding my name due to privacy reasons as there are people who are out to get me. But you know who I am. You probably read me religiously in order to learn how to cook, keep house and properly mother your children. My point is this – I am a perfect submissive wife and loving mother yet I keep feeling drawn back to the career I had before I gave birth. I look back and wonder what heights I could’ve climbed if I had continued with my very important work.
Signed,
Melancholy in Maine
Dear MIM,
You need to ignore these feelings as they are just drawing attention away from your role as mother and help meet. Yes, there are women with barren wombs and evil hearts who are called to be doctors, lawyers, teachers, researchers, artists, writers and world leaders. Of course, we know they are really dead and empty inside, just like their shriveled up wombs. Bask in the knowledge that by cooking nutritious meals from scratch, homeschooling your children and serving your husband, you are the one really making a difference. Sure, women in science might cure cancer but to do so they are forgoing their true calling from God and any sense of pride they have is diminished by their sense of loss and broken hearts at not having a multitude of children. Further, women who work emasculate their husbands. By earning money outside the home women tell their earthly kings that they aren’t providing well enough for their families. By working as a doctor or a teacher a woman is showing their daughters a terrible, unbiblical example. How are little girls to grow up and know their place behind men if mom is in a position of authority over men in the workplace? And if little girls grow up feeling empowered then they will demand education, a worldly education that will take them out from under the protection of their fathers, into the world where they most likely will become prostitutes and drug addicts.
Dear Aunt Fundie,
My father has been approached by a young man wishing to enter into courtship with me. I have been a dutiful stay at home daughter for all of my nineteen years and I am ready to be a wife and a mother, as God has intended. I am, however, worried about this courtship as I’ve read of other Godly young ladies who have been courted, only to see it end badly. What tips can you give me for making sure he is the one God has for me?
Signed,
Eager in Edgarstown
Dear EIE,
First of all, congratulations on your possible courtship! How wonderful it is that your parents have not fallen in step with the evils of the secular world that preaches freedom and independence for young women such as yourself. I’m so glad they have steered you towards a Biblical method of finding a spouse. Most importantly, listen to what your father says about this young man. He knows better than you how God is guiding your life and your future happiness. You cannot go wrong in putting yourself under your father’s authority and proceeding forward as he sees fit. Secondly, I’d pay close attention to the behavior of this young man when in your presence. Many a Godly young man in appearance will show themselves to be nothing but a wolf in sheep’s clothing in due time. Does he try to hold your hand and therefore spoil your purity? Does he encourage you to speak your mind, thereby insinuating that he would not be a strong head of the household and your spiritual leader? Young men should be on the path of becoming Command Men who are dominant and expect their wives to wait on them hand and foot, who never yields to a wife’s complaints or thoughts, who expects their wives to be loyal, faithful and obedient. If your young man does not exhibit these tendencies to complete dominate you until you have no recognizable sense of self, then you need to pray that this courtship doesn’t proceed.
Dear Aunt Fundie,
I was not always blessed to be a card carrying fundie. I was once a daughter of the world. I smoke, drank, wore pants, spoke my mind, had pre-marital sex, defied my parents, considered myself equal to a man, had a career and was an unabashed atheist. Now that God has touched my heart and put me back on my true path as a woman who seeks only to fulfill her Biblical duty to marry and have children, be a keeper at home and a cheerful help meet, allowing her precious womb to be opened only by God’s loving hands, I find it hard to find a man who will overlook my past impurities and see me for the loving daughter of Christ I am now. How can I get them to see beyond my past to see the real me?
Signed,
Lonely in Laredo
Dear LIL,
You are spoiled goods now. No Christ loving man will want his sacred baby making tool of power near your soiled and dying lady flower. Your womb is not a place of innocent beauty but now a wreckage of dishonor. A woman’s worth is only determined by the status of their hymen. You’ll most definitely burn in hell. Have a sunshine day!
Aunt Fundie,
I am a 25 year old stay at home mom with a wealth of experience, knowledge, wisdom and intelligence. In fact, I’m something of an internet celebrity and sensation. I’m withholding my name due to privacy reasons as there are people who are out to get me. But you know who I am. You probably read me religiously in order to learn how to cook, keep house and properly mother your children. My point is this – I am a perfect submissive wife and loving mother yet I keep feeling drawn back to the career I had before I gave birth. I look back and wonder what heights I could’ve climbed if I had continued with my very important work.
Signed,
Melancholy in Maine
Dear MIM,
You need to ignore these feelings as they are just drawing attention away from your role as mother and help meet. Yes, there are women with barren wombs and evil hearts who are called to be doctors, lawyers, teachers, researchers, artists, writers and world leaders. Of course, we know they are really dead and empty inside, just like their shriveled up wombs. Bask in the knowledge that by cooking nutritious meals from scratch, homeschooling your children and serving your husband, you are the one really making a difference. Sure, women in science might cure cancer but to do so they are forgoing their true calling from God and any sense of pride they have is diminished by their sense of loss and broken hearts at not having a multitude of children. Further, women who work emasculate their husbands. By earning money outside the home women tell their earthly kings that they aren’t providing well enough for their families. By working as a doctor or a teacher a woman is showing their daughters a terrible, unbiblical example. How are little girls to grow up and know their place behind men if mom is in a position of authority over men in the workplace? And if little girls grow up feeling empowered then they will demand education, a worldly education that will take them out from under the protection of their fathers, into the world where they most likely will become prostitutes and drug addicts.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Ask Aunt Fundie Friday
Due to popular demand, Under1000BrainCells will continue to encourage young ladies and wise women by showcasing Aunt Fundie and her Biblical advice on issues dear to our readers’ hearts. This will be a regular Friday occurrence so keep those questions coming, loyal readers!
Dear Aunt Fundie,
I am an obedient and subservient daughter, a child of God who strives to live as a lady of virtue. I love to take care of my younger brothers and sisters. I help around the house, play the harp and love nothing more than to curl up with my knitting. I look forward to guiding my own home one day and welcoming as many blessings as God sees fit to send me. But I do live with a dirty secret. Under my prairie dress I often wear pants. I can’t seem to stop. I wear leggings, khakis and even, once, a pair of jeans. I don’t know what to do to combat this rebellious spirit in me!
Signed,
Fashion Fundie
Dear FF,
First of all, I’m so grateful to God that you admit you have a problem. Now the healing can begin. The first thing you need to do is to stop right away. Burn the evil, Satan-influenced pants. As you know, the Bible says that women should not wear the garments of men. By wearing pants you are putting yourself on the same level as a man and we all know that as women we are not only the weaker vessel but put here on this earth by God’s grace to serve men. You are upsetting the natural balance of the world by encasing your legs in fabric like that. Further, if a man were to catch a glimpse of the hem of your pants from under your feminine skirts they might think of your bottom in tight fitting pants and therefore they will be defrauded and it will be your fault for leading them astray. Also, by wearing pants you are just a hop, skip and a jump away from becoming a full blown, carpet munching, granola eating, Lilith Fair attending lesbian. Then there will be no hope for you at all and you will burn in hell for all eternity. Hope this helps!
Dear Aunt Fundie,
I am a young man very interested in a young lady of impeccable virtue. Her father, however, is unsure that I am right for his daughter. We have fellowshipped a number of times and he says that I’ve impressed him with my Biblical knowledge and my commitment to the Lord. His only reservation is that his daughter doesn’t seem to like me much and he thinks it’s important that she feels called by the Lord to become the one God intended for me. I am sure she is the one for me. What can I do to convince her?
Signed,
Lovesick in Louisiana
Dear LIL,
First of all, the only opinion that matters is her father’s. If she doesn’t feel the hand of God on her heart guiding her towards you and a life of children and homemaking, then it is only her father that can move her to her true path. Too many young ladies today are laboring under the impression that their views on marriage and a partner should be considered. This is patently in opposition to the Bible. In the Bible it states that the father has authority over the young lady and only during the marriage ceremony should authority be transferred to the husband. Your role is to convince her father that you are the right one. Then he should take a firm hand to guide her to her role as your wife. I am concerned that this father may not be strong enough if he is stupid enough to consider his daughter’s opinion in the first place. Is this really the family you wish to join? Look for other clues about their commitment to the Lord: does she shave her father, type his ministry paperwork, help with the younger children, study in a prayer closet and submit to every thought, feeling, and belief of her father’s? If not, then perhaps this is not the right girl for you. Women are to be without their own minds and opinions, only those instilled by their parents and by God. I suggest you seek elsewhere for your intended. You don’t want to get stuck with a free-thinking woman who believes she has any authority over her own life.
Dear Aunt Fundie,
What are your tip for raising Godly children? My children seem to be out of control. They are willful, defiant and opinionated. My eldest daughter actually refused to get out of bed, stating that she was tired. The day before she had done nothing more than make breakfast for the fifteen children, clean the house, do the twelve loads of laundry, weed the flower beds, harvest the garden, can twenty-five jars of tomatoes, supervise homeschooling, make lunch, vacuum, make the beds, paint the living room, wash the cars, take care of the babies, make dinner and cleaned up afterwards. What can I do to impress upon her that my will matters, not hers?
Signed,
Fed Up in Phoenix
Dear FUIP,
My first question for parents of willful children is to ask how they had been trained since birth. As you may guess, we are great proponents of the Pearls and their Godly way of training up a child. I do hope that you had used either a switch, a length of plumbers piping or a heavy tree limb to swat your daughter the moment she came home from the hospital. If you did not, then there’s your problem. You have trained her to be disobedient. The fault lies upon your heart. But, do not despair as there is a way to lead her back to her true path as a child of God and a willing servant in your home. I suggest that with kind but firm words you remind her that your husband is her true authority. If that does not sway her rebel heart then I would recommend that you start beating her with a shoe. As a child grows older, it’s easier for them to turn you into the authorities. However, a shoe with a soft rubber sole will leave no marks. So even if CPS shows up on your doorstep you cannot be charged as there will be no evidence. See how beautifully God plans things? Praise to Jesus. She’ll fall in line soon enough if you are consistent. Each time she talks back, balks at her responsibilities or attempts to engage you in an argument I would beat her about the head until she is silent. You’ll be amazed at how quickly this tip and God’s will shall work on her troubled heart.
Dear Aunt Fundie,
I am an obedient and subservient daughter, a child of God who strives to live as a lady of virtue. I love to take care of my younger brothers and sisters. I help around the house, play the harp and love nothing more than to curl up with my knitting. I look forward to guiding my own home one day and welcoming as many blessings as God sees fit to send me. But I do live with a dirty secret. Under my prairie dress I often wear pants. I can’t seem to stop. I wear leggings, khakis and even, once, a pair of jeans. I don’t know what to do to combat this rebellious spirit in me!
Signed,
Fashion Fundie
Dear FF,
First of all, I’m so grateful to God that you admit you have a problem. Now the healing can begin. The first thing you need to do is to stop right away. Burn the evil, Satan-influenced pants. As you know, the Bible says that women should not wear the garments of men. By wearing pants you are putting yourself on the same level as a man and we all know that as women we are not only the weaker vessel but put here on this earth by God’s grace to serve men. You are upsetting the natural balance of the world by encasing your legs in fabric like that. Further, if a man were to catch a glimpse of the hem of your pants from under your feminine skirts they might think of your bottom in tight fitting pants and therefore they will be defrauded and it will be your fault for leading them astray. Also, by wearing pants you are just a hop, skip and a jump away from becoming a full blown, carpet munching, granola eating, Lilith Fair attending lesbian. Then there will be no hope for you at all and you will burn in hell for all eternity. Hope this helps!
Dear Aunt Fundie,
I am a young man very interested in a young lady of impeccable virtue. Her father, however, is unsure that I am right for his daughter. We have fellowshipped a number of times and he says that I’ve impressed him with my Biblical knowledge and my commitment to the Lord. His only reservation is that his daughter doesn’t seem to like me much and he thinks it’s important that she feels called by the Lord to become the one God intended for me. I am sure she is the one for me. What can I do to convince her?
Signed,
Lovesick in Louisiana
Dear LIL,
First of all, the only opinion that matters is her father’s. If she doesn’t feel the hand of God on her heart guiding her towards you and a life of children and homemaking, then it is only her father that can move her to her true path. Too many young ladies today are laboring under the impression that their views on marriage and a partner should be considered. This is patently in opposition to the Bible. In the Bible it states that the father has authority over the young lady and only during the marriage ceremony should authority be transferred to the husband. Your role is to convince her father that you are the right one. Then he should take a firm hand to guide her to her role as your wife. I am concerned that this father may not be strong enough if he is stupid enough to consider his daughter’s opinion in the first place. Is this really the family you wish to join? Look for other clues about their commitment to the Lord: does she shave her father, type his ministry paperwork, help with the younger children, study in a prayer closet and submit to every thought, feeling, and belief of her father’s? If not, then perhaps this is not the right girl for you. Women are to be without their own minds and opinions, only those instilled by their parents and by God. I suggest you seek elsewhere for your intended. You don’t want to get stuck with a free-thinking woman who believes she has any authority over her own life.
Dear Aunt Fundie,
What are your tip for raising Godly children? My children seem to be out of control. They are willful, defiant and opinionated. My eldest daughter actually refused to get out of bed, stating that she was tired. The day before she had done nothing more than make breakfast for the fifteen children, clean the house, do the twelve loads of laundry, weed the flower beds, harvest the garden, can twenty-five jars of tomatoes, supervise homeschooling, make lunch, vacuum, make the beds, paint the living room, wash the cars, take care of the babies, make dinner and cleaned up afterwards. What can I do to impress upon her that my will matters, not hers?
Signed,
Fed Up in Phoenix
Dear FUIP,
My first question for parents of willful children is to ask how they had been trained since birth. As you may guess, we are great proponents of the Pearls and their Godly way of training up a child. I do hope that you had used either a switch, a length of plumbers piping or a heavy tree limb to swat your daughter the moment she came home from the hospital. If you did not, then there’s your problem. You have trained her to be disobedient. The fault lies upon your heart. But, do not despair as there is a way to lead her back to her true path as a child of God and a willing servant in your home. I suggest that with kind but firm words you remind her that your husband is her true authority. If that does not sway her rebel heart then I would recommend that you start beating her with a shoe. As a child grows older, it’s easier for them to turn you into the authorities. However, a shoe with a soft rubber sole will leave no marks. So even if CPS shows up on your doorstep you cannot be charged as there will be no evidence. See how beautifully God plans things? Praise to Jesus. She’ll fall in line soon enough if you are consistent. Each time she talks back, balks at her responsibilities or attempts to engage you in an argument I would beat her about the head until she is silent. You’ll be amazed at how quickly this tip and God’s will shall work on her troubled heart.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Fundie Facebook
Here are some excerpts from our favorite fundies from their Facebook pages:
Michelle Duggar has an empty womb. It’s handy for spare change but what am I going to do with myself now?
Emily P. is going to train Dna to poop at work. Will keep bathroom locked at all times.
Anna Botkin is excited that her quest to take over the world is coming along smoothly.
Rebekah Anast is going to smash in her husband’s face if he doesn’t get a real job. She’s fucking sick of washing clothes on a rock.
Debi Pearl beat up a five year old at Wal-Mart. Good times.
Lady Lydia is having a scotch and wearing stretchy pants.
MckMamma is counting her money. She hasn’t seen her children in three weeks.
Dna P. is sick of Emiy. Might run away. Will take Brad.
JimBob Duggar is out of Aquanet! Crisis!
Jana Duggar is dreaming about the Bates boy.
Jinger Duggar is secretly reading Free Jinger. Rock on, my peeps!
Hannie Duggar is planning an escape route.
Anna Duggar wants to punch Smuggar in the face.
Smuggar is preening in the mirror. God, I’m awesome.
Mrs. Pittsburgh Pair is counting out toilet tissue squares.
Mr. Pittsburgh Pair is eager for work; needs to poop.
Captain Brett is polishing his fake medals and guarding his daughter’s purity.
Bill Gothard is touching himself and dreaming of Geoffrey Botkin.
Mrs. Bates is sick of being pregnant but is determined to win at the babymaking contest with Michelle Duggar. Suck on that, J’chelle!
The Maxwell Family is not having any fun at all.
Michelle Duggar has an empty womb. It’s handy for spare change but what am I going to do with myself now?
Emily P. is going to train Dna to poop at work. Will keep bathroom locked at all times.
Anna Botkin is excited that her quest to take over the world is coming along smoothly.
Rebekah Anast is going to smash in her husband’s face if he doesn’t get a real job. She’s fucking sick of washing clothes on a rock.
Debi Pearl beat up a five year old at Wal-Mart. Good times.
Lady Lydia is having a scotch and wearing stretchy pants.
MckMamma is counting her money. She hasn’t seen her children in three weeks.
Dna P. is sick of Emiy. Might run away. Will take Brad.
JimBob Duggar is out of Aquanet! Crisis!
Jana Duggar is dreaming about the Bates boy.
Jinger Duggar is secretly reading Free Jinger. Rock on, my peeps!
Hannie Duggar is planning an escape route.
Anna Duggar wants to punch Smuggar in the face.
Smuggar is preening in the mirror. God, I’m awesome.
Mrs. Pittsburgh Pair is counting out toilet tissue squares.
Mr. Pittsburgh Pair is eager for work; needs to poop.
Captain Brett is polishing his fake medals and guarding his daughter’s purity.
Bill Gothard is touching himself and dreaming of Geoffrey Botkin.
Mrs. Bates is sick of being pregnant but is determined to win at the babymaking contest with Michelle Duggar. Suck on that, J’chelle!
The Maxwell Family is not having any fun at all.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Interview with a Virtuous Woman
Mrs. John H is the epitome of a Godly woman, a true lady of virtue. Under1000BrainCells was fortunate to obtain a private interview with her, in order to explore how a real lady spends her days and how she feels about many of the hot button issues with the Quiverfull movement.
Her house is well appointed and filled with crocheted doilies and fresh flowers. She ushers me in and we sit in the pristine living room.
Under1000: Thank you for inviting me into your home and discussing some of the most important issues we often explore on Under1000BrainCells.
Mrs. John H: Not at all. I’m happy to be the face of the Quiverfull movement. (laughs) May I offer you some tea? (she pours tea into fragile teacups with a delicate flowered design)
Under1000: First of all, how many children do you have?
Mrs. John H: Fourteen.
Under1000: Wow. That must make for a busy household.
Mrs. John H: Yes, but with our Managers of the Home scheduling we are able to make it work. Each child has a Chore Pack that outlines their responsibilities.
Under1000: Could you outline the responsibilies?
Mrs. John H: Of course. Ruth is responsible for the meals. Emily is in charge of homeschooling. Eve is in charge of laundry. Elizabeth is in charge of the babies. Emma is in charge of cleaning and changing the beds. Anna is in charge of maintaining the cars. Jennifer is in charge of the finances.
Under1000: Wow. That seems like a lot for the girls. What do the boys do?
Mrs. John H: (laughs gently) They are a handful. They are rough and tumble boys so they are usually running around and being, well, little boys. Could you excuse me a moment? (returning with a full cup of tea which she down quickly) Where was I?
Under1000: You were outlining the girls’ responsibilities? May I ask what you usually do in a day?
Mrs. John H: I supervise, of course, guiding the girls in learning the domestic arts. I am also nursing our youngest, Gabriel. That is a full time job! (laughs again. She excuses herself, comes back with another cup of tea and downs it. There is an aroma I can’t put my finger on.)
Under1000: Do you homeschool?
Mrs. John H: (a little slurred) Oh, yes. We don’t believe in public schools where they would indoctrinate our children to become homosexuals, hate Isreal and engage in orgies.
Under1000: I don’t think those things are very prevalent in the public school system.
Mrs. John H: Oh, yes, they are. We seek to shield our children from the world. (I notice she has a small Mason jar with her. She chugs from it and her eyes are a little glassy)
Under1000: Okay, well, let’s move on. I notice that all the girls wear dresses and rather conservatively. Can you explain your approach to fashion?
Mrs. John H: We believe in modesty. In beautiful womanhood. Our girls wear (hiccup) dresses that highlight their countenance. Would you like some more tea?
Under1000: No, thank you. May I ask what’s in the Mason jar?
Mrs. John H: Just a little pick me up. It’s tiring running after fifteen children.
Under1000: I thought you had fourteen children.
Mrs. John H: Do I?
Under1000: That’s what you said earlier.
Mrs. John H: (looking confused) Oh. Maybe it is fourteen. Well, in any case it’s a lot. They’re all blessings. (under her breath) Bloodsucking blessings. I still can’t feel my nipples.
Under1000: Excuse me?
Mrs. John H: Do you have any idea how hard it is on a woman to breastfeed sixteen children?
Under1000: Um, no. Did you say sixteen?
Mrs. John H: Whatever. (hiccup. Big swig from Mason jar) What else?
Under1000: Okay, let me ask you: what do you feel is your most important duty as a woman?
Mrs. John H: To bear blessings for the Lord. To serve my husband and to glorify the Lord. And…
Under1000: And?
Mrs. John H: What?
Under1000: You didn’t finish your sentence.
Mrs. John H: Oh. Um. (hiccup) I wonder where the kids are?
Under1000: I did wonder. It seems awfully quiet here.
Mrs. John H: (to herself) I got up, fed the baby, ate breakfast, we went to the store…oh, shit!
Under1000: What?
Mrs. John H: I think they’re at Aldi’s. Oh, fuck!
Under1000: Shopping?
Mrs. John H: I forgot them.
Under1000: You forgot them at the grocery store?
Mrs. John H: (silent for a moment. She takes a big swig from her jar, hiccups and then waves her hand dismissively) Oh, well, they’ll make their way home. They usually do. Though it is nice to have some peace and quiet around here. Goddamn, those kids get loud. Always asking for shit and running around and having to homeschool them and keep track of them.
Under1000: I heard that your oldest is courting. Can you tell us about courtship?
Mrs. John H: Well, we had inquiries from a young man about Ruth. My husband talked to him, studied the Bible with him and…well, whatever. You know.
Under1000: Know what?
Mrs. John H: What does it matter? Pretty soon she’ll just be stuck with fourteen fucking blessings, tired to the bone and with a womb so stretched out that she looks perpetually pregnant. What are you going to do?
Under1000: Does she subscribe to the Quiverfull movement?
Mrs. John H: I guess so. I don’t get much time to talk to her. She’s awfully busy, you know.
Under1000: What…(interrupted by Mrs. John H)
Mrs. John H: You want to hear something? (leans forward)
Under1000: Okay.
Mrs. John H: You remind me of Lisa.
Under1000: Lisa?
Mrs. John H: She was my best friend growing up. Gorgeous. Long blond hair, lips like ripe raspberries, full and supple breasts and one sweet ass. (hiccups)
Under1000: Oh, um, okay. Let’s talk about purity.
Mrs. John H: Purity, shmurity. Let me tell you about church camp. You see, Lisa and I were in the same bunk and late at night she’d come over and touch me…
Under1000: I see. Yes, I get it. Um, tell me about your husband’s ministry.
Mrs. John H: (closing her eyes) I wonder what happened to Lisa. Last I heard she was moving to San Francisco. She wanted me to go but my father put his foot down. God, she smelled so good, so fresh. Not like John.
Under1000: Well, tell me about your husband. How long have you been married?
Mrs. John H: You know the story. My father brought him around, Lisa had just left and I was sick of raising my little brothers and sisters. I don’t know. He was there. Dad liked him. Why not?
Under1000: When did the two of you decide to become Quiverfull?
Mrs. John H: (finishes the Mason jar) I dunno. We just…whatever. You know, Bill Gothard said to have the babies and Jesus likes babies and stuff. Are you sleepy?
Under1000: No. So do you have any regrests?
Mrs. John H: You know, I would have loved to have had a threesome. There’s this chick at church. One fine piece of ass. And did you ever see a picture of the Botkin girls. Pretty cute. What I wouldn’t give to see them in a lace bustier and their bright nipples…
Under1000: Mrs. H., you’re actually saying some rather provocative things. You seem to have a real desire for women.
Mrs. John H: Me? Oh, no. I’m a good, submissive wife. I submit and he climbs on me and every single fucking time I get pregnant. How would you like to be pregnant most of your goddamn life?
Under1000: I don’t have any children…
Mrs. John H: My womb is fucking falling out. I’m so stretched out that you could drive a car up there.
Under1000: Maybe I should go.
Mrs. John H: Then he comes home and sits in his study with his ministry. What the fuck? I found him online looking at porn one day. I don’t care. Whatever keeps him off me is all I can say.
Under1000: I thought porn was not allowed in a fundamentalist household.
Mrs. John H: Neither is masturbation, but let me tell you something, if it weren’t for my crucifix vibrator I’d never get off, you know what I’m saying? (laughs)
Under1000: Let’s get back to how you spend your day, shall we?
Mrs. John H: (snoring)
Under1000: Mrs. H.?
Mrs. John H: (snoring)
I let myself out. It was a pleasure to talk with Mrs. John H. and learn about the hectic but rewarding life of a Godly woman of virtue. Stay tuned for more insightful interviews by your investigative team here at Under1000BrainCells.
Her house is well appointed and filled with crocheted doilies and fresh flowers. She ushers me in and we sit in the pristine living room.
Under1000: Thank you for inviting me into your home and discussing some of the most important issues we often explore on Under1000BrainCells.
Mrs. John H: Not at all. I’m happy to be the face of the Quiverfull movement. (laughs) May I offer you some tea? (she pours tea into fragile teacups with a delicate flowered design)
Under1000: First of all, how many children do you have?
Mrs. John H: Fourteen.
Under1000: Wow. That must make for a busy household.
Mrs. John H: Yes, but with our Managers of the Home scheduling we are able to make it work. Each child has a Chore Pack that outlines their responsibilities.
Under1000: Could you outline the responsibilies?
Mrs. John H: Of course. Ruth is responsible for the meals. Emily is in charge of homeschooling. Eve is in charge of laundry. Elizabeth is in charge of the babies. Emma is in charge of cleaning and changing the beds. Anna is in charge of maintaining the cars. Jennifer is in charge of the finances.
Under1000: Wow. That seems like a lot for the girls. What do the boys do?
Mrs. John H: (laughs gently) They are a handful. They are rough and tumble boys so they are usually running around and being, well, little boys. Could you excuse me a moment? (returning with a full cup of tea which she down quickly) Where was I?
Under1000: You were outlining the girls’ responsibilities? May I ask what you usually do in a day?
Mrs. John H: I supervise, of course, guiding the girls in learning the domestic arts. I am also nursing our youngest, Gabriel. That is a full time job! (laughs again. She excuses herself, comes back with another cup of tea and downs it. There is an aroma I can’t put my finger on.)
Under1000: Do you homeschool?
Mrs. John H: (a little slurred) Oh, yes. We don’t believe in public schools where they would indoctrinate our children to become homosexuals, hate Isreal and engage in orgies.
Under1000: I don’t think those things are very prevalent in the public school system.
Mrs. John H: Oh, yes, they are. We seek to shield our children from the world. (I notice she has a small Mason jar with her. She chugs from it and her eyes are a little glassy)
Under1000: Okay, well, let’s move on. I notice that all the girls wear dresses and rather conservatively. Can you explain your approach to fashion?
Mrs. John H: We believe in modesty. In beautiful womanhood. Our girls wear (hiccup) dresses that highlight their countenance. Would you like some more tea?
Under1000: No, thank you. May I ask what’s in the Mason jar?
Mrs. John H: Just a little pick me up. It’s tiring running after fifteen children.
Under1000: I thought you had fourteen children.
Mrs. John H: Do I?
Under1000: That’s what you said earlier.
Mrs. John H: (looking confused) Oh. Maybe it is fourteen. Well, in any case it’s a lot. They’re all blessings. (under her breath) Bloodsucking blessings. I still can’t feel my nipples.
Under1000: Excuse me?
Mrs. John H: Do you have any idea how hard it is on a woman to breastfeed sixteen children?
Under1000: Um, no. Did you say sixteen?
Mrs. John H: Whatever. (hiccup. Big swig from Mason jar) What else?
Under1000: Okay, let me ask you: what do you feel is your most important duty as a woman?
Mrs. John H: To bear blessings for the Lord. To serve my husband and to glorify the Lord. And…
Under1000: And?
Mrs. John H: What?
Under1000: You didn’t finish your sentence.
Mrs. John H: Oh. Um. (hiccup) I wonder where the kids are?
Under1000: I did wonder. It seems awfully quiet here.
Mrs. John H: (to herself) I got up, fed the baby, ate breakfast, we went to the store…oh, shit!
Under1000: What?
Mrs. John H: I think they’re at Aldi’s. Oh, fuck!
Under1000: Shopping?
Mrs. John H: I forgot them.
Under1000: You forgot them at the grocery store?
Mrs. John H: (silent for a moment. She takes a big swig from her jar, hiccups and then waves her hand dismissively) Oh, well, they’ll make their way home. They usually do. Though it is nice to have some peace and quiet around here. Goddamn, those kids get loud. Always asking for shit and running around and having to homeschool them and keep track of them.
Under1000: I heard that your oldest is courting. Can you tell us about courtship?
Mrs. John H: Well, we had inquiries from a young man about Ruth. My husband talked to him, studied the Bible with him and…well, whatever. You know.
Under1000: Know what?
Mrs. John H: What does it matter? Pretty soon she’ll just be stuck with fourteen fucking blessings, tired to the bone and with a womb so stretched out that she looks perpetually pregnant. What are you going to do?
Under1000: Does she subscribe to the Quiverfull movement?
Mrs. John H: I guess so. I don’t get much time to talk to her. She’s awfully busy, you know.
Under1000: What…(interrupted by Mrs. John H)
Mrs. John H: You want to hear something? (leans forward)
Under1000: Okay.
Mrs. John H: You remind me of Lisa.
Under1000: Lisa?
Mrs. John H: She was my best friend growing up. Gorgeous. Long blond hair, lips like ripe raspberries, full and supple breasts and one sweet ass. (hiccups)
Under1000: Oh, um, okay. Let’s talk about purity.
Mrs. John H: Purity, shmurity. Let me tell you about church camp. You see, Lisa and I were in the same bunk and late at night she’d come over and touch me…
Under1000: I see. Yes, I get it. Um, tell me about your husband’s ministry.
Mrs. John H: (closing her eyes) I wonder what happened to Lisa. Last I heard she was moving to San Francisco. She wanted me to go but my father put his foot down. God, she smelled so good, so fresh. Not like John.
Under1000: Well, tell me about your husband. How long have you been married?
Mrs. John H: You know the story. My father brought him around, Lisa had just left and I was sick of raising my little brothers and sisters. I don’t know. He was there. Dad liked him. Why not?
Under1000: When did the two of you decide to become Quiverfull?
Mrs. John H: (finishes the Mason jar) I dunno. We just…whatever. You know, Bill Gothard said to have the babies and Jesus likes babies and stuff. Are you sleepy?
Under1000: No. So do you have any regrests?
Mrs. John H: You know, I would have loved to have had a threesome. There’s this chick at church. One fine piece of ass. And did you ever see a picture of the Botkin girls. Pretty cute. What I wouldn’t give to see them in a lace bustier and their bright nipples…
Under1000: Mrs. H., you’re actually saying some rather provocative things. You seem to have a real desire for women.
Mrs. John H: Me? Oh, no. I’m a good, submissive wife. I submit and he climbs on me and every single fucking time I get pregnant. How would you like to be pregnant most of your goddamn life?
Under1000: I don’t have any children…
Mrs. John H: My womb is fucking falling out. I’m so stretched out that you could drive a car up there.
Under1000: Maybe I should go.
Mrs. John H: Then he comes home and sits in his study with his ministry. What the fuck? I found him online looking at porn one day. I don’t care. Whatever keeps him off me is all I can say.
Under1000: I thought porn was not allowed in a fundamentalist household.
Mrs. John H: Neither is masturbation, but let me tell you something, if it weren’t for my crucifix vibrator I’d never get off, you know what I’m saying? (laughs)
Under1000: Let’s get back to how you spend your day, shall we?
Mrs. John H: (snoring)
Under1000: Mrs. H.?
Mrs. John H: (snoring)
I let myself out. It was a pleasure to talk with Mrs. John H. and learn about the hectic but rewarding life of a Godly woman of virtue. Stay tuned for more insightful interviews by your investigative team here at Under1000BrainCells.
Ask Aunt Fundie
With the demise of our favorite blog we’ve decided to institute a new and exciting feature here at Under1000BrainCells – Ask Aunt Fundie. We ask a collection of demure ladies of virtue to answer all your calls for advice. We are confident that you will find much of value in what these daughters of God have to say.
Dear Aunt Fundie,
I’m a stay at home daughter of 42. I love to serve my family and reverence my father. I spend time playing the harp, reading scripture, and honing my domestic skills for when the one God intended for me finds me to bring me to his castle to be under his authority. However, neither of my parents are believers and don’t seem to understand that I need my father’s protection. Almost every day they ask when I’m going to grow up, get a job and move out. My father even orders me out of the bathroom when I attempt to shave him. In fact, last week I came home from a refreshing nature walk to find the locks changed on the house. I had to climb in the basement window to get back inside. I’ve been living in the basement without their knowledge. How can I make them understand that God wishes me to stay at home until I find a Godly marriage?
Signed,
Squatting in the Lord
Dear SITL,
Many times our parents think they know best but their heads are turned by a secular world that does not support ladies such as you in their walk with the Lord. I would take this opportunity to pray for your parents, that God might turn their hearts towards Him. In the meantime, I implore you to not leave the basement. But you can use this time in confinement to hone some of the skills that you’ll need when you do emerge and find a loving husband. Why not use old Christmas wrapping paper to paper the walls of the basement? Just because you are squatting in your parents’ home doesn’t mean you can’t still work as a daughter of God. When your parents are at work, take time to climb out the window and scrounge for food – which will help you to stay frugal. Remember that every time you climb in or out you are working your arm muscles – a must for a warrior of God. Stay strong and do not let them break your will for you are a child of God first and foremost.
Dear Aunt Fundie,
I am nineteen and am engaged to a wonderful, Godly man. We had a traditional courtship and are very excited about starting a new life and possibly a new family together. My mother has taken the time to teach me how to run a home with grace and in the glory of God. I can sew, bake, cook from scratch, decorate, do my crafts and I love to be surrounded by little ones. The only area in life in which she has not counseled me is what happens my wedding night and thereafter. I understand the mechanics of intimate relations but I am unsure as to what are accepted practices in a Godly marriage. Help!
Signed,
Hot to Trot for the Lord
Dear HTTFTL,
This is a very common concern of young ladies. Especially those who have limited knowledge of what is expected of a willing and submissive wife. Let me start by saying that once you are married you are the vessel of your husband, whether it be carrying his children in your glorious womb or submitting to his need for pleasure. Be happy that God has designed your body and his to glorify Him through coming together physically. Don’t be ashamed of expressing love and your commitment to Jesus by engaging in a variety of love acts with your husband. Some accepted practices include Dirty Sanchez, Donkey Punch, Doggie Style, the Tony Danza, Golden Shower, Cleveland Steamer and Pulling a Train. If you are unfamiliar with these terms, find a wise woman to counsel you. Just know that when you’re being doused with urine while tied up with leather and your husband is whipping you with a flounder you are expressing your love for Jesus. Praise be!
Dear Aunt Fundie,
I have been married to a wonderful man for three years. We have never used birth control as we wish as many blessings as God sees fit to send us. However, we have never conceived. Concerned, we contacted a doctor who informed us that we are infertile. I am so despondent. What do I do?
Signed,
Barren in Boise
Dear BIB,
As you know, a QF woman’s worth is only determined through the usefulness of her womb and the number of blessings she expels. Therefore, you are a complete and total failure as a woman. Without a multitude of children how do you know that your life is full and rich? Sure, you can have hobbies, friends, family and the love of a good, Godly man, but unless your womb is stretched like a pair of leggings on a fat chick you know that you are not fulfilling the only role created for you. I feel for your situation though I am abundant in children, having 118 blessings of my own. In fact, I am so blessed that my womb often falls out as I walk down the street. I scoop it up, stuff it back in (in a ladylike fashion) and feel so honored that God has tortured my ladyparts in this way. As we ATIers don’t believe in adoption as the adopted child will bring their birth parents’ sin into your home, I guess you have nothing left to live for. Good luck!
Feel free to leave question for Aunt Fundie to answer in future posts. May the good Lord be with you and may your womb flutter with delight.
Dear Aunt Fundie,
I’m a stay at home daughter of 42. I love to serve my family and reverence my father. I spend time playing the harp, reading scripture, and honing my domestic skills for when the one God intended for me finds me to bring me to his castle to be under his authority. However, neither of my parents are believers and don’t seem to understand that I need my father’s protection. Almost every day they ask when I’m going to grow up, get a job and move out. My father even orders me out of the bathroom when I attempt to shave him. In fact, last week I came home from a refreshing nature walk to find the locks changed on the house. I had to climb in the basement window to get back inside. I’ve been living in the basement without their knowledge. How can I make them understand that God wishes me to stay at home until I find a Godly marriage?
Signed,
Squatting in the Lord
Dear SITL,
Many times our parents think they know best but their heads are turned by a secular world that does not support ladies such as you in their walk with the Lord. I would take this opportunity to pray for your parents, that God might turn their hearts towards Him. In the meantime, I implore you to not leave the basement. But you can use this time in confinement to hone some of the skills that you’ll need when you do emerge and find a loving husband. Why not use old Christmas wrapping paper to paper the walls of the basement? Just because you are squatting in your parents’ home doesn’t mean you can’t still work as a daughter of God. When your parents are at work, take time to climb out the window and scrounge for food – which will help you to stay frugal. Remember that every time you climb in or out you are working your arm muscles – a must for a warrior of God. Stay strong and do not let them break your will for you are a child of God first and foremost.
Dear Aunt Fundie,
I am nineteen and am engaged to a wonderful, Godly man. We had a traditional courtship and are very excited about starting a new life and possibly a new family together. My mother has taken the time to teach me how to run a home with grace and in the glory of God. I can sew, bake, cook from scratch, decorate, do my crafts and I love to be surrounded by little ones. The only area in life in which she has not counseled me is what happens my wedding night and thereafter. I understand the mechanics of intimate relations but I am unsure as to what are accepted practices in a Godly marriage. Help!
Signed,
Hot to Trot for the Lord
Dear HTTFTL,
This is a very common concern of young ladies. Especially those who have limited knowledge of what is expected of a willing and submissive wife. Let me start by saying that once you are married you are the vessel of your husband, whether it be carrying his children in your glorious womb or submitting to his need for pleasure. Be happy that God has designed your body and his to glorify Him through coming together physically. Don’t be ashamed of expressing love and your commitment to Jesus by engaging in a variety of love acts with your husband. Some accepted practices include Dirty Sanchez, Donkey Punch, Doggie Style, the Tony Danza, Golden Shower, Cleveland Steamer and Pulling a Train. If you are unfamiliar with these terms, find a wise woman to counsel you. Just know that when you’re being doused with urine while tied up with leather and your husband is whipping you with a flounder you are expressing your love for Jesus. Praise be!
Dear Aunt Fundie,
I have been married to a wonderful man for three years. We have never used birth control as we wish as many blessings as God sees fit to send us. However, we have never conceived. Concerned, we contacted a doctor who informed us that we are infertile. I am so despondent. What do I do?
Signed,
Barren in Boise
Dear BIB,
As you know, a QF woman’s worth is only determined through the usefulness of her womb and the number of blessings she expels. Therefore, you are a complete and total failure as a woman. Without a multitude of children how do you know that your life is full and rich? Sure, you can have hobbies, friends, family and the love of a good, Godly man, but unless your womb is stretched like a pair of leggings on a fat chick you know that you are not fulfilling the only role created for you. I feel for your situation though I am abundant in children, having 118 blessings of my own. In fact, I am so blessed that my womb often falls out as I walk down the street. I scoop it up, stuff it back in (in a ladylike fashion) and feel so honored that God has tortured my ladyparts in this way. As we ATIers don’t believe in adoption as the adopted child will bring their birth parents’ sin into your home, I guess you have nothing left to live for. Good luck!
Feel free to leave question for Aunt Fundie to answer in future posts. May the good Lord be with you and may your womb flutter with delight.
Miss Em is on Frugal Hacks Today
Telling us how we can spruce up a child's bedroom.
Now that Emily isn't blahging as much, the future of this blog is kind of in the air. I'd like to keep it open because there is some funny stuff here, mostly by Gizmola, and a lot of the commenter's were very clever and witty in their responses as well.
I may do the odd Emily post when she posts on her Lint site (the thought if her fermented belly button makes me throw up a little in my mouth) and I have a couple of Ode to Emily recipes I'd like to do with pictures.
Gizmola has offered to continue with her brilliant parody writing on other trainwrecks as well. So we will still get to enjoy her hilarious parodies, and maybe once in awhile she'll do an Emily one as well :)
So, what do you think of that for a future direction? Any ideas that you would like to see? I'm sure Emily won't be able to remain quiet long, and we will have plenty more stuff soon, but in the meantime, we'll see how we roll ;) or I should maybe do it like this...(;
Pardon any grammar, spelling mistakes or typo's, I'm off to purge more stuff from my house.
Now that Emily isn't blahging as much, the future of this blog is kind of in the air. I'd like to keep it open because there is some funny stuff here, mostly by Gizmola, and a lot of the commenter's were very clever and witty in their responses as well.
I may do the odd Emily post when she posts on her Lint site (the thought if her fermented belly button makes me throw up a little in my mouth) and I have a couple of Ode to Emily recipes I'd like to do with pictures.
Gizmola has offered to continue with her brilliant parody writing on other trainwrecks as well. So we will still get to enjoy her hilarious parodies, and maybe once in awhile she'll do an Emily one as well :)
So, what do you think of that for a future direction? Any ideas that you would like to see? I'm sure Emily won't be able to remain quiet long, and we will have plenty more stuff soon, but in the meantime, we'll see how we roll ;) or I should maybe do it like this...(;
Pardon any grammar, spelling mistakes or typo's, I'm off to purge more stuff from my house.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
How Has Emily Inspired You?
Looking at the filth and clutter in the Apartment of Horror's inspired me to declutter and redecorate.
So far I have cleaned out my bedroom and repainted the walls and ceiling. I bought new curtains to match my bedding, and we got the dog a new dog bed for the room as well. It matches our bedding. Too bad he doesn't use it and still sleeps with us. It looks good though. I just need to go through my closet and purge. That is waiting until spring though because the closet is huge and I need to take everything out, wipe it down and repaint in there as well.
Last week I repainted my ancient kitchen. We have a horrible, old kitchen and it won't be gutted until we can pay cash for a reno. I stripped wallpaper, painted walls, sucked up cobwebs, went through every cupboard and did a massive purge. Today I have to touch up paint on the dinged up old cupboards and then I'm done! Oh, and I also bought fresh new towels and cloths, and a cute new rug. Hubby also put in a new to us double sink.
After the touch ups are done on the cupboards, I'm moving onto the dining room and will be stripping paper, painting walls and trim, and hanging fresh new curtains.
Emily also inspired me to break out the cookbooks and try some new recipes as well.
So far I have cleaned out my bedroom and repainted the walls and ceiling. I bought new curtains to match my bedding, and we got the dog a new dog bed for the room as well. It matches our bedding. Too bad he doesn't use it and still sleeps with us. It looks good though. I just need to go through my closet and purge. That is waiting until spring though because the closet is huge and I need to take everything out, wipe it down and repaint in there as well.
Last week I repainted my ancient kitchen. We have a horrible, old kitchen and it won't be gutted until we can pay cash for a reno. I stripped wallpaper, painted walls, sucked up cobwebs, went through every cupboard and did a massive purge. Today I have to touch up paint on the dinged up old cupboards and then I'm done! Oh, and I also bought fresh new towels and cloths, and a cute new rug. Hubby also put in a new to us double sink.
After the touch ups are done on the cupboards, I'm moving onto the dining room and will be stripping paper, painting walls and trim, and hanging fresh new curtains.
Emily also inspired me to break out the cookbooks and try some new recipes as well.
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